Whole 30 Challenge

Toby and I completed a "Whole 30" challenge today.  If you haven't heard of the Whole 30, it is a very limited eating plan designed to help people eliminate processed foods from their diet and to "clean up" their eating.  It is a rigid version of the Paleo diet.  When we told friends and family about our decision, we were asked why we chose to do it, and I answered with the textbook answer, " To change the way we eat."  This is true, but to be honest my diet was pretty healthy by most standards already.  I had already eliminated sugar and wheat about two months before.

Tonight, I realized what was driving us (I believe this is true for Toby too) was to take on a challenge that we could control.  Let me explain.  The environment in the Harris home is controlled by our two children with special needs.  It has to be.  At any given moment, one or both could present with an immediate need and we would have to respond quickly.  Challenging, yes.  Out of our control, yes.  The behaviors we deal with daily are unpredictable and probably would shock the outside observer. I won't elaborate, but please take my word for it.  We often burn the calories of a marathon runner before 7:30 AM just preparing the kids for the day.  All of our important decisions are made with regard for our children's current needs, rather than our own desires.

Don't get me wrong, we chose this life.  We have loved these two since they were newborns, both joining us straight from the hospital.  We knew about each child's potential needs before we made the commitment to parent them, but that doesn't mean that we don't struggle on a daily basis.  We do.  We are challenged to keep our sense of humor as we raise these particularly difficult children.  The saving grace is our exceptional relationship and ability to work together.

So, we took on the Whole 30 and looking back I realize we were thumbing our nose at difficult circumstances.  "Look at me", our dedication said, "I am in charge of this!".   Each of us struggled with different aspects of the plan. For Toby, the absence of bread and Big Macs.  For me, a glass of wine at the end of a long day.  But we did it.  I think our confidence in ourselves has been renewed at a critical, perfect time in our lives.  As our kids have grown, the early medical concerns have been replaced with even more difficult behavioral and educational issues.  We struggle to stay positive and often feel helpless to help our children. Or ourselves.  Recently, the task has been especially daunting.

I do not plan to go back to my old habits tomorrow.  I will adopt a version of the Whole 30 to maintain the benefits I am enjoying.  I appreciate the weight loss and added energy I am experiencing.  I am especially grateful, though, for the renewed confidence in my ability to tackle a challenge.  Good bye, Whole 30.  Hello, girl who knows she can take something on and come out on top:)

Letting go

Did you ever have something that you had to let go of, but you REALLY, REALLY didn't want to?  Knew you should ask for help but couldn't bring yourself to?  It can be like an out-of-body experience, watching from the outside but not knowing how to do what is necessary. Hanging on with all of your might, afraid of.....what?

I had to let go of my tight-fisted control of Angie's medical care today.  I had to admit that I cannot do it all and I must accept help.  But I didn't want to.  This morning, Angie was scheduled to have botox injections on her shoulder and I knew that I could not be away from work to take her.  The injections are an important and crucial treatment that keeps her comfortable and mobile. I didn't want to cancel. My amazing husband offered to take her, and I (with my tight fist) gratefully accepted.  He is truly my best friend and greatest supporter.  I knew she would be in good hands, and yet I instantly felt guilty for not being the one there with her.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why the guilt?

There is freedom in letting go, though.  Knowing that others are there to help carry the load is a relief and a gift, once you accept it.  It is healthy and it is good.  Guilt not included.

The two of them did not need me after all.  They had a great day together and called me on the way home to tell me about it.  As I sat at work, I got a little teary hearing Angie tell me about her visit to "Dr. Steve".  Before getting off the phone, she asked, "Mom, am I still the bravest girl you know?", Yes, Angie, absolutely. And today, I am feeling a little braver myself:)

We made it!

WE MADE IT!

We made it. This is where we are today. Looking back on the endless trips to Portland for therapy, the frequent medical appointments (sometimes 3 in one week), and the IEP meetings. The meltdowns, the late dinners, the insurance mixups, the time away from the rest of the family, the list goes on-and it was absolutely worth it!

The child we have today is a successful kindergarten student.  She is learning letters and sounds with the rest of her class.  Our child is potty trained.  She enjoys sleepovers and trips to the pumpkin patch with her adult sisters.  This child chooses hot or cold lunch and sits at the table with her friends to eat it.  She picks out a book from the school library each week and brings it home for us to read together.  Recently, this girl requested to ride to school in a car seat instead of a wheelchair-and now she is.  Our girl is participating in every moment of her life with anticipation of what comes next. She is free.

Gone is the child who refused to complete her work at school, had frequent meltdowns, and could not focus long on a lesson or activity.  Gone is the girl who rode in a wheelchair throughout the day and to and from school.  We do not miss the girl who needed constant supervision in case she had a seizure.  Or the child who needed to be watched for choking because she forgot to swallow her food.  That girl was before.

What we have now is the culmination of hours and hours of hard work and dedication by the huge team of people who make up Angie's team, past and present. Often, I asked myself, "Will all of this therapy and intervention really make a difference?". Today, I realize the answer is a resounding "YES!".  Either way, I would not regret the time spent on those appointments, but what a wonderful blessing to observe the resulting growth in this amazing child.

I have said it before, but I will say it until the day I die, because I do not forget for one moment that we have received a precious gift -"Thank you".  "Thank you" to all of the people responsible for giving Angie (and me) the encouragement to persevere and the knowledge that she is perfect just the way she is and always has been.  I could not ask for more.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

The Power of Prayer

On Sunday, our family went to church, as we almost always do.  As we walked in, the nice man and wife at the door handed us our church bulletins and I stepped forward to look for somewhere to sit.  As I moved, the man said, "Wait, I have to tell you something.  My wife and I have been praying for you."  I was touched.  "Thank you," I said, "Our family has a lot going on."  "No" he said, "We are praying for YOU."  Oh, wow.  I didn't know what to say. There was more.  "Your job is hard.  Your husband works long hours and volunteers in the community.  You have children with special needs and you manage to work too.  We know how hard it all must be and so we have been praying for you."

OH MY GOODNESS!  I have never felt so humbled and grateful in my entire life.  This couple, who I knew only from seeing them at church, was taking time out of their day to talk to God on my behalf.  I am overwhelmed.  I feel so special, and he could have told every person that came through the door that day the same thing and it wouldn't matter.  Why?  Because he took the time to encourage ME.  I was singled out.

It's not just that I believe in the power of prayer.  I do.  I firmly believe that prayer changes lives and that God hears our prayers, every single one.  I treasure their prayers on my behalf.  The bigger message from my new friend was, "We care for you".  Such a simple message and it took about 20 seconds to deliver.  As I think about our short conversation, I want to get behind this in a big way.  I had forgotten about the power our words have. Every single word we say affects those around us.  If we can bring a change by using our words to affect others positively we all win.  There are enough negative words floating around already.

I am going to make a commitment:  I will say something encouraging to one person per day.   Will you do it too?  You have 20 seconds, right?  I already know what will happen.  The person sending the message will be just as blessed as the recipient.  You watch, I am right.  You will be smiling for the rest of the day.  And who knows how you might change the day for the other person?

My friend at church was right, my job is hard.  So is yours.  And those of the people you and I come into contact with each day.

This is going to be awesome, I just know it.  I can't wait to hear your stories:)

A Life in Pictures

This post might seem like it is just a bunch of pictures.  Or, maybe, it is much more.  You can decide.  Last week, we met my oldest daughter, Kaeley at Lake Sacajawea in Longview so she could take some pictures.  It was a perfect day, with just enough sunshine and light combined with the beginning twinges of Fall.  The pictures Kaeley took captured something special. Something I knew about, but sometimes I forget.  I needed to see it, I guess.  My child is a miracle.

Have you ever seen such unreserved joy in your life?  Every single picture depicts a child who has no regrets or reservations.  She is not wondering what other people think, if they like her, or if her hair looks okay.  She doesn't care.

She looks like she is watching something funny, but she's not.  This is her reaction to life itself.  Every. Single. Day.

Angie loves everyone.  Accepts everyone.  Helps them if they need it.  And she finds instant friendship with all that she meets.

If you have been reading the blog, or my Caringbridge page before that, you know the story.  Angie's prognosis was grim before the surgery that saved her life.  We had to fight hard to keep the doctors from giving up on her.  For most, that is old news.  But for me, it is my daily dose of hope.  My child is a walking, talking miracle.  She had half of her brain removed and she is thriving, living beyond our expectations.

Have you had a bad day recently?  You know the one.  The day when it is 9:00 AM and you already feel like crawling back into bed? The day when your alarm didn't go off, the kids were late for school, there is nothing to make for dinner, the school calls about a discipline issue, etc.  You can fill in the blanks, you know what I am talking about.  I have those days, too, but look at this:

How can I possibly stay down when I have a child who cannot contain her joy about simply being alive?  She has no clue that she has cheated death and it doesn't matter.  She must perform most tasks one-handed and she couldn't care less.  Most daily tasks are a struggle.  But she is beside her self with happiness.  Not just in pictures, in real life too.

She is my hero.  My reminder not to take myself too seriously, and to take time to live in the moment.  She is beautiful, inside and out.

I am thankful for the pictures.  Of course, who doesn't love pictures of their kids?  It is more than that, though.  Seeing them all together, I realize that this is really what her life is all about.  Living every moment fully.  She does not pose for the pictures, she is living.  I would never have written this 3 years ago and it feels so good to be watching this precious child shine.

Yesterday was one of those days.  You know the kind.  It was a fighting, naughty children, put-their-pajamas-on-at-6 kind of day.  A countdown-to-bedtime kind of day.  Angie was coming down with a cold and she had no tolerance for any of the rest of us.  Little Princess was determined to push all of Angie's buttons and a few of mine too. I had a new pressure canner and 50 pounds of apples to make into applesauce, so I was impatient with my lovely children and I forgot that colds and bad moods do not put themselves on hold to respect my agenda.

Despite the trying day yesterday, the weekend was filled with special moments and it is one of my favorite weekends in a long time.  On Friday, I met Kaeley at Lake Sacajewea in Longview and she took some spectacular pictures of the girls.  A little preview:

She captured Angie's spunk and energy perfectly.  I have a few others but have to keep them to myself to protect Little Princess' privacy.  We had such a nice evening and we shared dinner with friends afterwards.

On Saturday, Toby and I took the kids to a u-pick farm to pick apples and pears.  It was a rare day with all four of the younger kids together and we had so much fun.  I wish we had done this sooner.  We got a little carried away-thus the 50 pounds of apples.  That was kind of spontaneous and a little ambitious.

 

Angie was not able to walk for long and Josh was kind enough to drive her around the orchard in the wagon with our fruit.  She was happy to shout orders at us from her throne and she didn't seem to mind not being able to pick the fruit as long she had apples to hold on to.

When we were done picking, we drove down the road to the Cooper Mountain Vineyard.  Toby and I had a glass of wine and the kids played, picked grapes, and chased the chickens around the grounds.  It was a beautiful day and I loved that we did not have to hurry to go anywhere.

Many families have days like this often.  For us, though, it was precious and rare.  We do not take the time to simply spend unscheduled time together.  We should, we just don't. It was perfect.  As Rose Kennedy said, "Life is not a matter of milestones, but
of moments."

Back to School

Our kids went back to school this week.  For parents, the return to school causes anxiety for a variety of reasons.  For parents of children with special needs, the anxiety is multiplied and worries about services, behavioral issues, stamina, and teasing by other children are added to the mix. This is not any less true for me. I had so many fears about this week.  The good news is that most of them were not realized and my children and their teachers had no need for them.

Angie is in a full-day Kindergarten program this year.  Last year, as I think I mentioned, she struggled with frustration and behavioral issues throughout the day.  As soon as her teacher and assistant would find a strategy that worked, she would change things up on them.  By the end of the year, I was overwhelmed and wondered, honestly, if she could ever be successful in school.  I could not imagine her enduring an entire day of school when she was struggling to stay in class for 3 hours.

I am not sure where that child went, but she has been replaced by a new, mature, ready-for-school Angie.  Over the summer, Angie grew in so many ways and it was obvious that she had many new skills that would serve her well in school.  Still, I worried.  We planned for Angie to attend every day of school this week, while the other kids had a staggered start schedule.  Our girl knocked it out of the park!  She has not had one time-out all week and she comes home with reports of her day and her new friends.  She amazes me, really.  I have so much hope for this school year-my eyes actually are tearing as I write this.

 

Levi is also repeating the grade he was in last year.  This was not a decision we made lightly.  There were multiple meetings with school staff and all options were considered for him. We do not regret the decision, but as parents it is hard to see your child disappointed and worried.  This summer, we talked with Levi about the benefits of repeating 6th grade and eventually he accepted that it was the best plan for him.  But still.  He was a trooper and on the first day of school he saw that many of his friends were in his class and he likes his new teacher a lot.  I am not going to lie-we have had a really difficult summer with Levi and did not know what to expect because transitions of any kind are hard for him.  The week had some bright spots, though.  Levi has a new Personal Support Worker through Developmental Disability Services and this individual has proven to be an absolute Godsend.  He and Levi have really connected and I think that he will play a key role in Levi's success at school. More about that later.

Josh is a freshman in high school this year.  He has never played football in his life, and yet he decided that he would play this year.  This decision was made one hour before practice started on the first day.  That's my boy:)  Mr. Last-Minute.  If you tell him to be ready to go somewhere at 9AM, he will get out of bed at 8:59.  Really, though, Josh is the kindest, gentlest young man I know and I cannot imagine him slamming his body into someone on purpose.  And besides that, this momma is scared.  He came home last night and reported that the varsity team had 3 injured players during the game last night.  YIKES!!

It is good to be back in a routine.  My kids need that and I can see them relax and thrive when they can predict what will happen next.  Despite the anxiety of the first few days of school-and really the whole summer-I am feeling really hopeful about the year ahead of us.  I have said it before, but it bears repeating: Our schools have an amazing, compassionate, skilled staff and I would not live anywhere else.  We are grateful every day that our children are so well cared-for when we are away from us.

I hope you have all had a great back-to-school experience and are enjoying the sunny weekend.