Angie through her siblings eyes

I am often asked questions about our other children's feelings about Angie.  It will go something like this, "So, how do the other kids feel about Angie?", or "Do the other kids resent the time you spend with Angie?".  Questions that come from curiosity, I think, and not from judgment.  Unless you are one of those that has actually told us that we were being selfish or negligent by allowing Angie to take from the other kids' allotment of time and attention.  That's different.

When Angie came into our home as a newborn, it was to be a 2-3 day placement.  Months and then years passed by and eventually we were asked to consider a permanent foster placement, much like an adoption but without the legal formality,  By this time, we had endured multiple hospitalizations, heartaches, victories, tears, and joy in her presence, and she had taken up residence in our hearts.  Before deciding, though, we asked our children for input.  They acted surprised that we would even question them and their reply to whether we should make the commitment permanent was a resounding "YES!".

Since Angie came into our home, Toby and I have spent days at a time at the hospital with her while family and friends took over for us at home.  Most often, Toby and I took turns staying over at the hospital while the other stayed at home.  These were difficult times for our family and they lasted for over a month on more than one occasion. The kids missed us and we missed them.  Mostly, though, we all worried for our girl and wanted to be back home together.  Did our kids have to give up some time and attention?  Of course.  Would they prefer to have everyone at home together?  Of course.  Joshua celebrated his 9th birthday in the commons at Emanuel Children's Hospital during an especially difficult hospital stay.  Many days, the kids would wake up to learn that Angie and I had taken up residence at the hospital in the middle of the night.  What did they do, you ask?

 They called me on the phone to ask how Angie was doing many times a day.  They climbed into her hospital bed to calm her, whisper in her ear, and just to be close.  They put on masks so they could visit during the 2009 H1N1 outbreak.  They brought me food and clothes and asked how I slept in my narrow bench in the corner of the room.  They asked their Sunday School classes to pray for Angie, made her cards, told their friends at school about her , and asked if they could stay home from school when she was discharged so they could welcome her home.  When she came home, they made her cozy beds on the sofa, brought her drinks, and made her laugh.

We regret that Angie's medical needs have taken us from our other children at times.  We know that the other kids have missed us and have sometimes needed us during the days and nights that we have been away.  Toby and I believe, however, that the positive impact of our journey far outweighs the negative consequences.  Our children have a unique empathy and compassion towards others.  If you know them, you know this is true.  They are the first in a room to give up their seat to an adult or to offer help to a young person in need.  Our children have learned to live in the moment and to be grateful for small pleasures.  They understand, at their own level, that family is most important and that others matter.  They understand that life is fragile and they realize that they have a huge network of people who love them and are there to help in times of need.

All families have times of jealousy and resentment.  We would not be human if we didn't.  But in our family, Angie is not the cause any more often than the others.  Thanks for asking, though.