Resilience

When I think of the word resilience, I think of Angie.  I also think of many of my foster children who have experienced profound grief and loss and have rose above their circumstances to show strength and courage beyond their years.

This as been an eventful Christmas break for us.  Angie has been sick for over 10 days now and she is still not completely well.  Even so, she has embraced the magic of Christmas this year, and has also been aware of the true reason we are celebrating.  She insisted that we make cookies for Santa, so we did:

Angie has brought the joy of the season to our family with her enthusiasm and her wonder at the meaning of this time of year.  Despite not feeling well, she has laughed her way through each and every day and she has loved the fact that I can be home with her every day for now.

Our holiday season has been filled with ups and downs and through it all Angie's resilience has been apparent.  This girl rolls with the punches like no other.  In fact, we could all take some lessons from her.  And then, this happened:

Acupuncture.  A friend told me about her son's success with acupuncture so I scheduled a session for Angie.  The acupuncturist told me that she felt she could help with Angie's sleep issues and help her regain some mobility on her right side.  My friend talked about her son having needles placed in his back so I was surprised when I learned that Angie's would be in her head.  No worries, though.  She didn't even flinch and she left the needles in for almost 30 minutes without complaint.  Resilience, I tell you.

I actually believe most children possess a certain amount of resilience, but many are never tested to have it exposed.  For my children, it seems, there have been numerous challenges and they have amazed me with their responses.  I am encouraged that this innate strength exists for children, and hopefully for adults too.  Life is hard and uncertain and we need all the help we can get.

Blindsided

Today was so jam-packed with events that I feel like I have aged a year in a day. This morning, Little Princess left our home to be placed with a family member.  We are feeling her loss and we will continue to do so.  Little Princess was with us for 8 months and she was firmly rooted in our family.  We were her people.  She is thrilled to be where she is, and yet it is obvious that she is also torn.  Poor little one.  The foster care system is brutal to the innocent children it serves.  We look forward to staying in contact with her relatives and having her come back to visit often.  We can imagine the loss her family has felt in her absence, too, and we are happy for them to have her with them for the holidays.  So many emotions.

Next, I took Angie to Portland for a follow-up appointment from her recent botox injections.  "Dr. Steve" spent a long time examining Angie's shoulder-much longer than usual. When he finished, he said, "How do you feel about a referral to a surgeon?".  Uh-oh.  More surgery?  Dr. Steve told me that the botox injections have not done as he had hoped and increased the mobility in Angie's shoulder.  He believes tendon release surgery may be needed to help her regain some range of motion in her arm.  UGH!  This news was completely unexpected.  I am having flashbacks of Angie's brain surgery, even though I know that this one will be a piece of cake in comparison.  Still.

The end of today was my favorite.  It almost made all of the rest worth it.  Tonight, we attended the wedding of our special friend, Pam, and her now-husband, Larry.  Pam was one of our first friends when we moved to Clatskanie and she has been one of our closest friends throughout the years.  Today, Pam and Larry celebrated a new beginning after each of them lost a spouse 10 years ago. The wedding was the most emotional, meaningful wedding I have ever attended.  Life is so precious and uncertain and to see these two experience a new beginning together meant so much to me.  Our girls were with us and they were equally touched, having grown up making christmas cookies in Pam's kitchen and having Pam's daughter, Sara, as their first and most loved babysitter.

Congratulations, Pam and Larry!  You inspire me and remind me that anything is possible.  God's plan for us can be hard to understand sometimes but it is always perfect.  If you are still breathing, there is hope.  I look to the next chapter for my family with some trepidation but I have courage knowing that God is in control, and I am not.  We are together, and that is what matters most.

Has it only been a week?

It is funny how life cruises along following a predictable routine, and then you are hit unexpectedly with a crazy, "who knew this was coming?" kind of a week. That was our week.

Last weekend, we accepted a young boy for an emergency foster placement. His story broke our hearts.  I will not go into detail to protect his privacy, but I will say that the abuse and neglect this child suffered in his short life is nothing short of criminal.  His needs are overwhelming and I have thought of him often since he left on Monday.  I pray that he will get the help he needs, and I wonder again why the penalties for child abuse are milder than those for animal neglect?

Two days later, Little Princess ended up in the hospital after a severe asthma attack.  The experience felt like deja vu back to the days when Angie and I were regular visitors at the hospital.  Little Princess felt better almost immediately but she was admitted overnight to be monitored. Our "slumber party" was like a vacation for her and she was treated like a queen with toys and gifts arriving throughout the evening.  I am thankful that her condition was easily treated and not life-threatening as has been our past experience at the hospital.  We came home with a treatment plan and she is doing great.  As I sat at the hospital, Toby, Jeff, and Heather teamed up to take care of business at home.  The support system our family has in place means so much to me.  I am grateful that we are not in this alone.

Our week ended with a very important, probably life-changing appointment for Levi.  The search for the supports and services that will help him reach his potential feels somewhat like a trip to a foreign country where we do not speak the language.  Unfortunately, we live in a rural county where services for children with special needs are almost nonexistent and has become clear that he may need to get his services elsewhere.  The decisions we face are heart wrenching and I now understand the saying, "Sometimes the right decisions hurt the most".  We will continue on our quest to help our child and to love him through these tough times.  It is a hard road and the realization that his disability was 100% preventable adds to our frustration.  Again, the support we have is our lifeline.

Oh, I almost forgot.  This happened this week, too:

Angie sang in her school Christmas Program-and I mean she was SINGING!  This is the first time she has truly participated in a program and it was the perfect ending to a trying week.  My eyes were filled with tears, emotion plus exhaustion, I guess.

A new week begins tomorrow and I hope it will bring the return of the predictable, routine days we enjoy.  Toby and I are weary but we are also encouraged by our ability to get through such a week together.  Who knew that a couple of high school sweethearts would end up with a life like this almost 30 years later?

These Kids Don't Belong to Us

Kids don't belong to us.  Or to anyone.  Right?  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Of course, we call them "our kids" to identify the relationship, but they are not objects to be possessed, they are precious individuals who need adults to love and protect them.

In my opinion, it is a parent's job to raise little individuals until they have learned the skills they need to be independent.  For some of my kids, this has happened at age 18, for others, sadly, it may not happen at all.  Either way, I am constantly aware of the need to teach them, build their character, and protect them from harm.

Some parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends of the family-who sometimes call themselves aunts and uncles-see it differently.  They will argue until they are out of breath about the right to "have my kid" or "see my kid".  And their lawyers are just as bad.  I have seen families torn apart over their rights to a child and sadly the child's needs are completely ignored in the fight to the finish.

Recently, I have attended proceedings involving the child welfare system that have left me sick to my stomach.  Listening to adults argue about their right to a child as if he or she were the last doughnut on the plate.  Everyone wants to "win" and it makes me ill.  This is not a game.  You do not get to break the law, skip visits, ignore court orders for treatment, turn your back for months or years, and then make demands about what YOU want.  Or to complain about what church your child's foster family attends or call the child's pediatrician to claim the child is being starved in the foster home.

Yes, I am feeling a little bitter.  Now you all know the truth about me.  I will fight for "my" kids' needs and safety until the day I die.  The kids do not have a voice in the child welfare system if I do not speak it for them.  These are not our kids and it is a privilege to care for them, not a right,  We must earn our way into their hearts and lives and when we do the rewards are overwhelming.