This has been a really rough month for us. If you have been reading, you already know, but I am not sure you actually KNOW. January has not been my favorite. February, please come quickly.
Levi moved. I miss him like a missing limb. It is truly, physically painful. We have felt his loss in every bone in our bodies.
Angie is struggling with behaviors in school again. She started the year with so much improvement and we are disappointed and confused as to how to help her. She has come so far, so I feel bad being discouraged. I just want everything for her.......
Josh has his own struggles which are no worse than any other teen, but challenging just the same. He needs our support and attention more than we realized. And yet he makes me laugh. Every. Single. Day.
Our oldest daughter moved away and didn't tell us. Really. No forwarding address or good-bye phone call. This will be news to many and it not something I will probably elaborate on in the future, but it is a source of extreme pain for us. Our parent hearts are broken and we pray for the day she will return to our family.
My work environment has been stressed and difficult as we deal with crucial changes and I have been taxed to stay strong for my co-workers.
There have been positives, too, and I have rested on them to get through the past few weeks. Levi is making his first visit home this weekend and I can't wait to have him under our roof again. He is thriving in his environment and we are satisfied that we made the right decision regarding his placement. Toby and I have been blessed by the kind words and messages sent our way. We have reconnected with our "little princess" who left our home last month and have enjoyed her hugs and stories. Our family has been proven strong and able to stand up under extreme pressure. So much to celebrate. And yet, I am ready to turn the calendar page and say good-bye to January for good. February, please be kind.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
I see it.......the light at the end of the tunnel. It is still quite far away, but I definitely see it. I am feeling hopeful once again and I see our family well on its way to healing. Levi is where he needs be and for the first time ever the help he needs is there too. I just breathed a sigh of relief as I wrote that. It is true.
Levi is living in a school district that is large enough to support the special education services and materials that he needs to be a successful learner. He is getting specific supports and, as he says, "they can teach me the way that I am able to learn". We do not fault our small school district for not being able to provide for his needs. They certainly did their best with what was available. But in the Parkrose School district he is learning! Levi is striving to make personal gains, also, and his insight and determination is admirable. He is very aware of what needs to change and he is anxious to work on his challenges. Levi possesses a resilience that I have seen in many children with special needs or with challenging circumstances and it will serve him well throughout his life.
I mentioned before that Josh and Angie were struggling to make sense of the changes in our home and that was an understatement. Toby and I have realized how much intense parenting our children need just in terms of our attention. They have stepped aside out of necessity at times and we realize now that we may have missed something important in our distraction. We have always said, "Everyone gets what they need when they need it", but what if everyone needs it at the same time? We have amazing kids and they really are doing well in light of the difficult times we have experienced. We are blessed by the outstanding people-teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers-who have treated the kids, and us, with compassion and understanding. Your actions are noticed and appreciated. Once again, we are thankful to belong to the community of Clatskanie.
So, we move right along. It is still hard and we have some tough decisions ahead. Seeing the progress and noticing the positives has helped and like all difficult things I think it will get easier with time. I can clearly see God's hand in our lives as He works out His plan for us. Without that, I would be without hope. He will work this out for good.
Levi is living in a school district that is large enough to support the special education services and materials that he needs to be a successful learner. He is getting specific supports and, as he says, "they can teach me the way that I am able to learn". We do not fault our small school district for not being able to provide for his needs. They certainly did their best with what was available. But in the Parkrose School district he is learning! Levi is striving to make personal gains, also, and his insight and determination is admirable. He is very aware of what needs to change and he is anxious to work on his challenges. Levi possesses a resilience that I have seen in many children with special needs or with challenging circumstances and it will serve him well throughout his life.
I mentioned before that Josh and Angie were struggling to make sense of the changes in our home and that was an understatement. Toby and I have realized how much intense parenting our children need just in terms of our attention. They have stepped aside out of necessity at times and we realize now that we may have missed something important in our distraction. We have always said, "Everyone gets what they need when they need it", but what if everyone needs it at the same time? We have amazing kids and they really are doing well in light of the difficult times we have experienced. We are blessed by the outstanding people-teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers-who have treated the kids, and us, with compassion and understanding. Your actions are noticed and appreciated. Once again, we are thankful to belong to the community of Clatskanie.
So, we move right along. It is still hard and we have some tough decisions ahead. Seeing the progress and noticing the positives has helped and like all difficult things I think it will get easier with time. I can clearly see God's hand in our lives as He works out His plan for us. Without that, I would be without hope. He will work this out for good.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
The Quiet
Here we are now, in 2015, living a new normal. I read the Facebook posts about New Year's resolutions and think how lucky others are to be in charge of their lives, when ours is so clearly in charge of us right now. We have the usual responsibilities of work and child care, with the added two trips to Portland each week to visit Levi and numerous phone calls and emails to monitor and facilitate the services he needs. And then the quiet.....
Our house is so quiet with only two children living in it. Personal items are put away and the chaos has nearly disappeared from our existence. We relax at night and know that we will not be interrupted by a sudden need to respond to a crisis. And yet, as enjoyable as the quiet is, we are sad. We miss Levi's smile and his quick action to help Angie when she needs something. The comments on current events and the random trivia facts have left us. Our child is sleeping many miles away and we cannot check on him before going to bed.
I think that every situation, individual, and decision is both positive and negative. Nothing is all of one or the other. Our current situation is no different. Levi is attending a school that is meeting his specific needs and he has access to services he could never get at home. He is making friends and HE LIKES SCHOOL! All of that is so good and I am grateful. Angie and Josh are relieved of the need to protect themselves from hurtful words and actions when Levi was unable to manage his behavior and I am grateful for that too. Toby and I no longer are torn between maintaining calm in the home and upholding the rules we have in place for our kids-we can do both.
We have made the right decision for our family for this time. Toby and I are grateful for the thoughtful, compassionate messages we have received from you and please know how much it means to us to know you are thinking of us. We are trying to help Josh and Angie adapt to the changes and they may (understandably) struggle until it makes some kind of sense to them. Angie, especially, has reacted with frustration and some undesired behaviors. This new territory, so we are not exactly sure how to help her through this. It is all so hard.
We are learning how to parent differently, from a distance. It is okay to ask us about Levi and the program he is in. It is not a secret and it is not punitive. He has done nothing wrong. That was his biological mother. Please do let us know you are thinking of him, as you have. We are so thankful for each of you and for your ongoing support.
Our house is so quiet with only two children living in it. Personal items are put away and the chaos has nearly disappeared from our existence. We relax at night and know that we will not be interrupted by a sudden need to respond to a crisis. And yet, as enjoyable as the quiet is, we are sad. We miss Levi's smile and his quick action to help Angie when she needs something. The comments on current events and the random trivia facts have left us. Our child is sleeping many miles away and we cannot check on him before going to bed.
I think that every situation, individual, and decision is both positive and negative. Nothing is all of one or the other. Our current situation is no different. Levi is attending a school that is meeting his specific needs and he has access to services he could never get at home. He is making friends and HE LIKES SCHOOL! All of that is so good and I am grateful. Angie and Josh are relieved of the need to protect themselves from hurtful words and actions when Levi was unable to manage his behavior and I am grateful for that too. Toby and I no longer are torn between maintaining calm in the home and upholding the rules we have in place for our kids-we can do both.
We have made the right decision for our family for this time. Toby and I are grateful for the thoughtful, compassionate messages we have received from you and please know how much it means to us to know you are thinking of us. We are trying to help Josh and Angie adapt to the changes and they may (understandably) struggle until it makes some kind of sense to them. Angie, especially, has reacted with frustration and some undesired behaviors. This new territory, so we are not exactly sure how to help her through this. It is all so hard.
We are learning how to parent differently, from a distance. It is okay to ask us about Levi and the program he is in. It is not a secret and it is not punitive. He has done nothing wrong. That was his biological mother. Please do let us know you are thinking of him, as you have. We are so thankful for each of you and for your ongoing support.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Broken
We are broken. Most people are in some way or another, if we are truly honest with ourselves. My family, though, is missing a member and we are feeling the pain. It feels like we are broken.
Warning: This is going to be one of those brutally honest posts. If you have wondered what the foster/adoptive, special needs parenting gig really feels like, I am going to tell you. If you are not up for it tonight-or ever-I understand.
Earlier this week, Levi moved to a group home in Portland where he now lives with 4 other 12 year-old boys. It seems wrong, right? What kind of parents move their child away from his family to live with complete strangers? Well, the kind of parents who have reached in every imaginable direction to find a program, strategy, or solution for our child's unique form of organic brain damage. Parents who live in a county where such services are nonexistent. Parents who have considered every other option. Parents who lose sleep at night trying to balance the needs of our children so everyone gets what they deserve. Parents who have consulted doctors, case managers, behavior specialists, hospitals, teachers, counselors, family, and friends and have yet to find the magic bullet. And, ultimately, parents who love their child so much that they will experience pain, loss, and the judgement of people who have not walked in our shoes to get our son the help he needs to reach his potential. We are broken.
Well-meaning people have said to us, "You did the best you could." or "He was lucky to be with you for so long." There is a huge misunderstanding behind these statements. Levi was not an experiment. Levi is our SON. The fact that he is adopted is completely irrelevant, We love this child with all of our hearts and we are as attached and bonded to him as we are to our other 5 children. He is a part of us and without him we are broken.
If you are reading this far, I have a favor to ask you. Please do not pass judgement or whisper to others about our family. If your children go to school with ours, please tell them that Levi went to a new school and leave it at that. I know you don't understand how we got here, but I ask that you try to understand our need for privacy. Small communities can be brutal in the face of adversity and no one likes to feel as if they are the topic of gossip.
We have every intention of helping Levi learn new skills and knowledge that will allow us to all be together again. He is a funny, sweet, truly caring child and, above all, he is resilient and strong. We are not done fighting, in fact the fight is in full force-it has just moved to a new battlefield. And this mom will not give up.
Warning: This is going to be one of those brutally honest posts. If you have wondered what the foster/adoptive, special needs parenting gig really feels like, I am going to tell you. If you are not up for it tonight-or ever-I understand.
Earlier this week, Levi moved to a group home in Portland where he now lives with 4 other 12 year-old boys. It seems wrong, right? What kind of parents move their child away from his family to live with complete strangers? Well, the kind of parents who have reached in every imaginable direction to find a program, strategy, or solution for our child's unique form of organic brain damage. Parents who live in a county where such services are nonexistent. Parents who have considered every other option. Parents who lose sleep at night trying to balance the needs of our children so everyone gets what they deserve. Parents who have consulted doctors, case managers, behavior specialists, hospitals, teachers, counselors, family, and friends and have yet to find the magic bullet. And, ultimately, parents who love their child so much that they will experience pain, loss, and the judgement of people who have not walked in our shoes to get our son the help he needs to reach his potential. We are broken.
Well-meaning people have said to us, "You did the best you could." or "He was lucky to be with you for so long." There is a huge misunderstanding behind these statements. Levi was not an experiment. Levi is our SON. The fact that he is adopted is completely irrelevant, We love this child with all of our hearts and we are as attached and bonded to him as we are to our other 5 children. He is a part of us and without him we are broken.
If you are reading this far, I have a favor to ask you. Please do not pass judgement or whisper to others about our family. If your children go to school with ours, please tell them that Levi went to a new school and leave it at that. I know you don't understand how we got here, but I ask that you try to understand our need for privacy. Small communities can be brutal in the face of adversity and no one likes to feel as if they are the topic of gossip.
We have every intention of helping Levi learn new skills and knowledge that will allow us to all be together again. He is a funny, sweet, truly caring child and, above all, he is resilient and strong. We are not done fighting, in fact the fight is in full force-it has just moved to a new battlefield. And this mom will not give up.
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