Peace

Peace. It seems elusive right now, don't you think?  All over the world, people are living in fear and horror because of the acts of evil people.  Regardless of where you live, the horrible acts have touched your lives. Paris, Belgium, Brussels, Mali.  Where does it end?  World peace seems so far away, and sometimes personal peace feels that way too.

It makes sense that the cruel, violent acts of terrorism that we see in the media shake our sense of peace.  Unimaginable acts of violence in our own country move us too.  We see our Facebook friends lose loved ones.  And, then, personal tragedy steps in and we lose our hope.  It can be anything.......a job loss, broken relationship, personal disappointment, financial worries.  How will we recover?  Is peace too far away for us to reach? Is there just too much sadness?

I don't know the answer and I wish I did.  We are heading into the Christmas season with its popular theme, "Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men" and "Let There Be Peace on Earth."  It can be hard to put on a brave face and embrace the season.  Sometimes, I wonder, "How do people pretend all season long?" Or any time of year, for that matter?

I have decided I will try something this year.  I want to be honest, it has been an extremely difficult year for me and for my family. This year, I am going to start at Thanksgiving.  I am practicing thanksgiving by noticing all that I have to be grateful for and there is so much!!!  I have started a mental list and the list continues to grow.  My husband, who gives unconditionally and always supports me in my crazy dreams.  My children, a gift from God to show me my purpose in the World.    Becoming a grandma.   My job, where I continue to learn every single day as I watch my co-workers facilitate miracles for the families that we serve.  Freedom, to speak and believe as I choose. A warm home and a full belly.  Doctors, teachers, therapists, and caregivers who help us to give our children every opportunity available to help them be successful. That is just the beginning. There is more.

Start your list and prepare your heart for the days ahead.  I think that "paying it forward" by practicing gratitude is the first step towards finding peace.  It will not change global or personal circumstances but I believe it will have a lasting impact on our sense of peace.  I am going to give it a try and I hope you will too.

Disconnect

There is a huge disconnect between Angie and the child welfare system. This girl wants to be adopted and she does not understand why it has not happened already. Let's be clear about one thing before I continue........Angie has been in foster care for 7.5 years so far.  We would have adopted her at day one.  You can do the math.

The next most important fact is this.....Angie knows she is foster care and she wants to be adopted more than anything.  Every single night when I put her to bed she tells me that she wants to be adopted.  Last night, she said, "Mom, I hope I don't have to move away."  My heart is broken.

There have been two children with seizure disorders who passed away this week. I cannot stand the thought of my child dying this way, adopted or not.  The struggle is real.  Despite her current seizure-free status, Angie is just as much at risk for sudden death from seizure.

We are trying to work through the process but it seems to be stalled. We are helpless to move the process forward, unless we hire our own lawyer.  Maybe we will eventually.  For now, we must navigate between reassuring Angie and trying to advocate for her adoption to be completed.

It becomes more difficult each day and we are frustrated too.  Please pray for our family. These are difficult days. And then , we have a new puppy and a grandchild coming any day too. Oh Boy!!!

My Worst Fear

My worst fear was realized last week. A precious child with Sturge-Weber Syndrome passed away.  That she was not my child makes it only a tiny bit easier to bear.  It was someone's child and the pain is unimaginable.  I cannot put the thought away. What if??????

When children pass away from Sturge-Weber Syndrome it is almost always from a sudden, intractable seizure, often in the middle of the night while they sleep.  Most of the time, the sudden death occurs in a child whose seizures are thought to be well-controlled.  In other words, it comes like a thief in the night.  Sweet little Ava dressed up in her costume on Halloween and a few days later she was gone.

My heart goes out to Ava's family.  When I first learned of the news, I wanted to know exactly what happened, as if I could then prevent it happening to Angie.  Now, I know that the less I know the better.  No good can come from having details to run through my mind.  I refuse to start getting up in the middle of the night to make sure she is still breathing or to limit her time away from me "just in case".  Sturge-Weber will not steal my peace.   I have always known that each day we have with Angie is a gift.  This news should not make that any more or less true.  We still have a miracle and God has predetermined how long and how full her life will be.

I would ask you to stop and say a prayer for Ava's family tonight.  They have suffered an unimaginable loss and their lives have been forever changed.  Ava has several older siblings, like Angie, and they miss her horribly.  Please pray for their peace.

I hate Sturge-Weber Syndrome and hope for the cure that is so close.  Unfortunately, it is a rare disease and research is not well funded.  There are doctors devoted to finding a cure, though, and they are getting close.  Seven years ago I had never heard of SWS and now it is my worst enemy.  I am up for the challenge and I will keep fighting until a cure is found.

Overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed by emotion.  We have just been flooded by significant events and the emotions have surprised me.  So much goodness.....

Levi moved home last week and it feels so good to have our family in one place again.  It just feels right.  Not without anxiety, but right.  How will we keep him safe?  What if someone takes advantage of his limited problem-solving skills? Will the kids at school be nice to him?  We don't know yet, and the unknowns are very real.  But, he is HOME.

And then, yesterday, this happened......

Kaeley surprised us by coming to Clatskanie and we met our precious granddaughter, Piper Rose, for the very first time.  There are no words.  This love is so different from any other I have ever experienced. She has stolen my heart.  The love that I feel for Kaeley is just compounded into this little one.  She is so perfect! Because I am adopted, I think that biological relationships become even more meaningful. Little Piper is the perfect combination of Kaeley and Jordan and I suspect she may prove to have some of Kirsten's personality down the road. I am overwhelmed. So many feelings......

Our family has been so blessed.  Another grandchild will arrive in a few weeks and I will explode with love once again. Who knew that life could be so rich?  And yet, we struggle daily with the challenges of raising children with special needs and balancing all of the other demands of life.  I wouldn't trade my life for all of the money for the world.  If you are still reading, thank you for being a part of this crazy life.  There is more to come and I can't wait to see what the future brings!