A Social Experiment

I realized today that our family is somewhat of a social experiment.  As we bring a new little one (or occasionally a big one) into our home, the family dynamics automatically change.  The first few days, everyone is on their best behavior.  A little later, it is anybody's guess what might happen.

Four year-old Little Guy has been in our home for 3 weeks now and the layers of his true self have been revealed one at a time.  A family friend commented that he is an old soul, and in many ways that is true.  In others, he is a very broken baby.  I think that our society fails to understand how deeply children are affected and influenced by the behavior of the adults around them.  Experiencing or witnessing abuse and neglect can be devastating to them and can even paralyze their development.  Before I was a foster parent, I lived in a little bubble of ignorance because it simply did not touch my life.  If that is you, don't feel bad.  It is hard to think about, I know.

Since Little Guy arrived, we have focused on providing structure and predictability for him.  Our efforts are not necessarily welcome and there have been numerous learning opportunities and negotiations.  For him and for us.  He is  one of the most loving, affectionate children we have had in our home.  He asks for "more loves" (hugs) throughout the day and his smile melts my heart.  I cannot post pictures here because of confidentiality but take my word for it when I say, he is ADORABLE.  That said, the learned behaviors that are the product of abuse, neglect, and or just poor parenting can be painful and frustrating to manage.  We are struggling.  And yet, we are also thankful.....

I am thankful for the gigantic support system our family has around us.  We could not do it without you.  Foster parenting is my passion, but it is also exhausting, frustrating, and heartbreaking.  It can be brutal.  And it is the most rewarding job I have had.  If you are one of many who have supported us rather than judge our sometimes crazy household-Thank you!  If you don't understand why we do it but still smile and ask if you can help-Thank you!  If you have brought us a meal during a difficult period-Thank you!  If you have considered helping a foster child or a foster family-Thank you!  It takes all of us working together and I firmly believe we can have a lasting impact on the lives of hurting children.

Enjoy your weekend:)

On Monday, Angie had her 14th laser treatment for her port-wine birthmarks.  She was treated on her face and her right arm.  In the past the routine treatments did not phase her in the least and I was the one bothered by the stares and rude comments.  This time was different.

I told Angie about the upcoming treatment a couple of days in advance and I was surprised by her response-" No, Mom, I don't want the polka dots!".  What?  I didn't even think she knew that the treatments left purple "polka dots" on her skin.  I had underestimated her.  This awareness is just another sign of how much my princess has grown over the past months.  Her brain is working overtime.  I have my theory about the reason for the growth but I am not quite ready to share it yet.  Soon.

Crafts while we wait:

The treatment was completed without complication on Monday.  As always, Angie amazed the hospital staff with her stoic, graceful approach to the process.  We were home early and the day resumed as normal, as if nothing at all was different.

Tuesday morning brought the surprise.  As I woke Angie for school, I was met with, "I don't want to go."  "Please take away my polka dots".  Oh no. The day I'd dreaded had come and my heart was broken.  The "polka dots" are likely to last for up to two weeks and Angie needs her routine-she has to go to school no matter how much my mommy heart says to keep her home.  I smiled and told her how beautiful she was and she seemed distracted for a bit. But the request kept coming-"Please take away my polka dots".  What can I do?  Nothing.  The worst feeling a parent can have.

I have to be honest.  I do not know the best way to deal with my princess's pain.  Her teacher assures me that her peers are kind and respectful and I believe that is true.  Each day, upon waking, she has the same request for me to take away the polka dots.  This is just the tip of the iceberg and I am completely unprepared for the day when she realizes how very different she is from her friends. I need to plan ahead for that, but the most important message I want to impart to her is that she is far more similar to her friends than she is different.  She loves, she laughs, she plays, and she prays.  Her life is full and a few polka dots will never take that away.

I have been away for a while, and by away I mean AWAY.  Last Wednesday, a co-worker brought me letter at my desk that Toby had mailed to her earlier in the week.  The last line of the sweet letter said, "We are going on a date.  Put everything away and come outside-your chariot awaits you."

No kidding!  My chariot was a stretch limo and my handsome husband was waiting to share it with me.  Sounds like dream, right?  Just wait.  The next letter, presented as we rode in our chariot towards Portland told me that this date would last for FOUR days!  What?  I was confused about how this was possible but Toby assured me that every single detail was covered.  Soon, my chariot pulled up to the downtown Nordstrom store and inside I met Kim, my personal shopper.  Have you seen the movie Pretty Woman?  That was me.  I was Julia Roberts for a day.  I did not know where I would be for the next four days, but Kim did and she had multiple wardrobe choices for me.  And I left with a four-day wardrobe for whatever was to come.   About now, I realized how long Toby must have been planning all of this.  Amazing.  It was a once-in-a-lifetime day.  But it wasn't over.

We had a snack and some drinks and then headed for the airport.  On the way there, I learned we were going to New York.  I had never been, but always wanted to.  Doesn't everyone?  We hopped on the red-eye and by early morning we were ready to hit the big city.

The next few days were a dream.  The letters continued to come at random times and in various manners to inform me of the next surprise.  I do not have a "bucket list" but if I did I am sure I would have checked several items off.  On Friday, we saw The Phantom of the Opera, one of my very favorite shows.  After the show, Toby suggested we go to a bar on the top floor of our hotel, which rotated to give a full view of the city every hour.  A black journal was delivered to me by our waiter (Toby had mailed it there) and in the journal was a beautiful message about our 27 years of marriage.  I will spare you the sappy details.  The end of the message requested another 27 years together and I looked up to see my husband on one knee, holding out an over-the-top beautiful diamond ring.  I told you at the beginning-this is the stuff of dreams.  But it was real.

I mean what I said before.  This is the stuff of dreams. Toby and I do not do this often, in fact we never have and probably never will again.  But for four days, we celebrated the life we have together.  It is a hard, exhausting, often disappointing job to parent special needs children and to run two busy restaurants.  For four days, it all took a backseat and we just played.  You don't have to go to New York to do that.  You can plan your own little paradise. Hit the reset button and when you return, you can have a new perspective if you look for it.

I am still reeling from my experience and I will never forget how special I felt to be the center of an elaborate plan.  My husband is a gem and he has given me a precious gift.  Now, back to business and the messy, loud, beautiful life at home.  An equally precious gift in my estimation.

Celebrating Angie

We celebrated Angie today.  She will have her 6th birthday on Tuesday and we invited her Kindergarten class to celebrate the event with us with a pizza party today.  And what a celebration it was! Once again, I learned something new about Angie as I watched her with her friends.

I guess I thought that Angie's classmates tolerated her.  I knew that they were sweet and understanding about her limitations and they are always happy to help her as needed.  They have seen her struggle to learn the rules and routines of kindergarten and sometimes it has not been pretty.  You know what, though?  They actually adore her.  She is one of them.  They treat her as equally important and special as they treat each other.  They CHEERED for her as she took her turn batting at the pinata.  They each wanted to be the one to sit by her.  They engaged her in play and in conversations, and she responded in kind.  It was a true celebration of the amazing girl we all know and love.

Angie's school helper, Mrs. Villines came to celebrate Angie, too.  Mrs. Villines is often the recipient of Angie's frustrated behavior but she has been a champ.  Watching her with Angie, I know how fortunate Angie is to have someone who loves and understands her despite her challenges and difficult behaviors.  Mrs. Villines has spent the school year "learning" Angie and she has helped to create a routine that really works for Angie.  We are so glad she could celebrate with us.

Today was perfect, but a tiny bit bittersweet.  This week, we made the final decision, with Angie's IEP team, for her to repeat another year of Kindergarten.  She will not be joining these friends in first grade.  I know she will still see them in school and she will still have their friendship, but it is hard not be a little bit sad.   I know we have made the best decision for Angie and that is most important.  These children will always have a special place in my heart for their love and acceptance for Angie.  They have made her adjustment to school kinder and gentler and she will have many memories of their year together.  That is a priceless gift.

Happy birthday to our amazing Angie!  Every day with you is better than the one before.  You are a true gift from God.

The Bella Fund

When Angie was an infant, a woman approached me in Costco and gave me a business card for her organization, the Bella Fund.  Named after her daughter, the organization was dedicated to providing "safe beds" for children with special needs.  For families with children at risk for safety issues at night, these beds make the difference between sleepless nights and exhaustion, and having enough rest to meet the child's needs during the day.  I thanked her but knew that this would never be a need for my family.

I couldn't have been more wrong.  When I met Kristy, Angie had not had her first seizure yet.  Three years later, Angie had finished rehab after her brain surgery and we were very much concerned about her safety at night.  Her sleep/wake cycles were completely scrambled by the surgery and the weeks spent in the hospital environment.  Add to that challenges with motor skills, balance, and vision and you have a recipe for a safety disaster in the evening hours.  We needed a "safe bed".  Some of you know this story as I have written about it in the past.  We found the card from the Bella Fund buried in a kitchen drawer and they miraculously had a bed that was ready within two weeks-and they GAVE it to Angie!

Angie's Bella Bed has been such a blessing.  The greater blessing, though, is that she no longer needs it!  Our girl has come so far!  We have decided that it is time for Miss Angie to have a regular bed and today I contacted Kristy who is the founder of Bella Beds.  Are you ready to hear the miracle?  There is a little one waiting for a bed right now.  Am I surprised?  Not a bit.  This is exactly how God has worked through Angie's life all long.  I knew before I opened her email that this is what it would reveal.

I am so excited.  Excited for Angie to take the next step towards increased independence and excited for a family who has an unmet need but will soon be sleeping soundly at night.  Our God is amazing.  If you didn't think so before, I hope He has changed your mind through the work He is doing through Angie and others around you.  There are no coincidences.  Only miracles and perfect, timely intervention.  Have a good night:)