When Toby and I began the journey to becoming foster parents, and eventually adding to our family through adoption, we were required to participate in a "home study" to determine if our family was equipped for the job. The process was long and involved and the questions delved into our own upbringings and our marriage. During one of the certifier's visits, he asked us, "Which one of you is the Driver?". He clarified his statement by saying that in every couple he has certified, one spouse was the Driver and the other was a Supporter. Ok, no question, I was the Driver. Foster care was my idea.
I was never one of those teenagers who loved kids and who babysat every weekend. Not at all. I knew I wanted children, but I did not dream of a large family. I surprised myself after our first two daughters were born by very much wanting a third. And then, about 5 years after Jordan was born, God starting to whisper in my ear that we were not done. What? How, not done? Toby and I were not able to have more biological children. What was God thinking? Then, it came-foster care. When I shared my thoughts with Toby, he agreed to complete the classes and home study required for us to become certified as foster parents. Foster care cannot work unless both parents are committed and we were, just on different levels.
Fast forward a few months and Toby is stating that he cannot imagine the baby boy who has been in our home for one week ever leaving us. He was hooked, completely in love with a skinny, slobbery, sweet little boy. I don't know what would have happened if the story had ended poorly and that baby boy's future did not include us. Would we still be foster parents? I am not sure. But Joshua is 14 now and he has blessed our lives beyond description. I firmly believe he and his brother, Levi, who came two years later, were meant to be our children from the very beginning
We have been foster parents for almost 15 years now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Toby and I have asked ourselves often, "Who would choose this?". Who signs up for disappointment, sleepless nights, property damage, hateful words from broken children, and the heartbreak of watching the impact of abuse and neglect on the innocent? Who wants to work with a system that does not always keep kids from harm? I am not sure if we chose this, or it chose us? Still, we continue. I continue to be the Driver and main advocate and caregiver for the children, but Toby is more involved that I ever expected and he has had my back through long, frustrating, heartbreaking days and nights.
This week, Toby has made two 500-mile (each way)trips. The first, to take a child to stay with Grandma for two weeks on a beautiful lake where there are no chores or siblings to share attention with. The second, this weekend, to pick the same child up again when his anxiety prevents him from being away from home any longer. Both trips were made with no complaint or resentment. My husband, the Supporter, has embraced the children in our home with all of his heart. He has such a huge capacity for love and his actions speak to me of how much he loves me to continue this work when we could and should be empty nesters like many of our friends. He has made such a sacrifice, for the children of course, but also for me so that I can live my dream.
Our experiences with the foster care system could fill a book, but who has time for that? I am too busy wondering what is next for us and trying to stay one step ahead of our exceptional children and their needs. Whatever is next, I will have my Supporter by my side and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Enjoy your weekend:)
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