Letting go

Did you ever have something that you had to let go of, but you REALLY, REALLY didn't want to?  Knew you should ask for help but couldn't bring yourself to?  It can be like an out-of-body experience, watching from the outside but not knowing how to do what is necessary. Hanging on with all of your might, afraid of.....what?

I had to let go of my tight-fisted control of Angie's medical care today.  I had to admit that I cannot do it all and I must accept help.  But I didn't want to.  This morning, Angie was scheduled to have botox injections on her shoulder and I knew that I could not be away from work to take her.  The injections are an important and crucial treatment that keeps her comfortable and mobile. I didn't want to cancel. My amazing husband offered to take her, and I (with my tight fist) gratefully accepted.  He is truly my best friend and greatest supporter.  I knew she would be in good hands, and yet I instantly felt guilty for not being the one there with her.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why the guilt?

There is freedom in letting go, though.  Knowing that others are there to help carry the load is a relief and a gift, once you accept it.  It is healthy and it is good.  Guilt not included.

The two of them did not need me after all.  They had a great day together and called me on the way home to tell me about it.  As I sat at work, I got a little teary hearing Angie tell me about her visit to "Dr. Steve".  Before getting off the phone, she asked, "Mom, am I still the bravest girl you know?", Yes, Angie, absolutely. And today, I am feeling a little braver myself:)