Broken

We are broken.  Most people are in some way or another, if we are truly honest with ourselves.  My family, though, is missing a member and we are feeling the pain.  It feels like we are broken.

Warning:  This is going to be one of those brutally honest posts.  If you have wondered what the foster/adoptive, special needs parenting gig really feels like, I am going to tell you.  If you are not up for it tonight-or ever-I understand.

Earlier this week, Levi moved to a group home in Portland where he now lives with 4 other 12 year-old boys.  It seems wrong, right?  What kind of parents move their child away from his family to live with complete strangers?  Well, the kind of parents who have reached in every imaginable direction to find a program, strategy, or solution for our child's unique form of organic brain damage.  Parents who live in a county where such services are nonexistent.  Parents who have considered every other option.  Parents who lose sleep at night trying to balance the needs of our children so everyone gets what they deserve.  Parents who have consulted doctors, case managers, behavior specialists, hospitals, teachers, counselors, family, and friends and have yet to find the magic bullet.  And, ultimately, parents who love their child so much that they will experience pain, loss, and the judgement of people who have not walked in our shoes to get our son the help he needs to reach his potential.  We are broken.

Well-meaning people have said to us, "You did the best you could." or "He was lucky to be with you for so long."  There is a huge misunderstanding behind these statements.  Levi was not an experiment.  Levi is our SON.  The fact that he is adopted is completely irrelevant,  We love this child with all of our hearts and we are as attached and bonded to him as we are to our other 5 children.  He is a part of us and without him we are broken.

If you are reading this far, I have a favor to ask you.  Please do not pass judgement or whisper to others about our family.  If your children go to school with ours, please tell them that Levi went to a new school and leave it at that.  I know you don't understand how we got here, but I ask that you try to understand our need for privacy.  Small communities can be brutal in the face of adversity and no one likes to feel as if they are the topic of gossip.

We have every intention of helping Levi learn new skills and knowledge that will allow us to all be together again.  He is a funny, sweet, truly caring child and, above all, he is resilient and strong.  We are not done fighting, in fact the fight is in full force-it has just moved to a new battlefield.  And this mom will not give up.