Heaven on Earth

This has been our view for the past week.  The picture doesn't even do it justice.  Toby's parents have a cabin in Idaho that is a little piece of Heaven on Earth.  The cabin itself is modest and unremarkable but the view and the memories we have made there are priceless.

For the past 29 years (minus one due to a high-risk pregnancy) I have been blessed to spend time at this amazing place.  For Toby and I, our time at the lake is an important milestone before beginning another school year.  I use the time to reflect on the year we have finished and plan for the next, as if I have some amount of control over it.  We almost cancelled our trip this year because my job became unexpectedly crazy and then my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  We did not see how we could go, but we knew, too, that we really needed to go.  So we did.

 We only had three of our kids with us this year, which is the fewest we have ever had for the trip.  Josh brought a friend and even then the cabin seemed quiet.  Our "big girls" were all unable to join us as they have become adults with busy lives of their own.

This year, I was a little bit homesick for the days when my brothers-in-law and their wives were there with us.  In those days, when we could still all fit in the cabin at once, we were young and the cares of the world were far away.  We had no idea what the future had in store for us and for the week we spent at the cabin we were not concerned.  We took late-night boat rides and waterskied all day.  Awww........those were the days.

These days, we stagger our vacations to allow each family enough space.  There are 22 of us now.  We have traded our worry-free vacations for simply taking a break from the crazy, busy lives we have now.  We catch up when we get home and compare stories but it isn't quite the same.

We are grateful for our time away, though and despite feeling a little guilty for going ahead with our trip, we are feeling rested and ready to face the challenges ahead.  Look at these two, can you imagine a better way to end the day?

Finding Hope

We are doing it, Finding Hope.  What seemed overwhelming last week now feels realistic and manageable.  Scary, but manageable.  What changed? After the initial shock of the gigantic swerve in the road I experienced, I realized something.  Hope is where you look for it.

Hope is everywhere, we just don't look sometimes.  As I struggled to make sense of my new role at work, my father's cancer diagnosis, and the injustice of the foster care system, God showed me that there is hope all around me.

I found it in an amazing day spent shopping with just my two boys-a rare event.  Driving with Angie, she told me that she cannot wait to be adopted and there it was again.  Friends and family have asked what they can do to support me as I work longer hours.  Hope.  I can do this.  Then, a visit from my 8 months-pregnant daughter and I am flooded with it.  My dad's surgery was scheduled and we realized we can still take the family vacation that we were ready to cancel.  It is everywhere.

We all do it.  We get wrapped up in the details and the challenges and it becomes hard to see anything else. One of my childhood friends lost her mother suddenly this week.  I cannot imagine the pain.  Another child returned to foster care after an unsuccessful return home to her parents.  A family deals with the pain of a new diagnosis for their child.  This is tough stuff.  It can take you to the very bottom of the pit.  And yet, I am grateful for God's power to remind me of all that I have.  He will do it for you too.

There was never less hope for me, I just didn't see it.   I have so much to be grateful for and there is no time to moan about having to make changes in my life.  I have too much to do!

Responsibility

I have been given more responsibility than a person should have in the past week.  So much has happened.  I became the Interim Executive Director at the Neuro-Developmental center where I have worked for the past ten years.  Yep.  The buck stops here.  Twenty plus people now look to me to provide direction and guidance as they offer hope and healing to our clients.  A HUGE responsibility.

In the same two-day span I learned that my father has colon cancer.  He is 81 years old and he is unable to drive himself the 2 hours from his home in Astoria to Portland where his treatment will occur.  I have entered the Sandwich Generation of adults who are caring for parents while still raising their own children.  My mom is in poor health and my one adult brother also has serious medical concerns.  Again, the buck stops here.

On the home front, plans have not worked out as expected for our foster daughter and her stay with us may be extended.  We love her dearly and don't wish for her to leave, but we did plan for our childcare needs around her departure in light of the new developments in our lives.  As much as we love providing a safe home for her, it adds to the weight of responsibility.  Always, in foster care, the buck stops here.

Toby and I met with our local Developmental Disability Services a few days ago to plan for Levi to transition back to our home in the next few months.  There is lot of work to do and arrangements to be made but we are hopeful that our family will once again be under the same roof.  We need to hire providers and arrange for his education and social needs.  Yes, the buck stops here.

I do not mean to complain.  I am grateful for new opportunities and being able to care for loved ones.  God has gifted me with a very special journey and I am grateful.  The greatest gift of all is my husband.  Toby took my dad to his appointment in Portland today so I could be at work and he will repeat the trip next week.  He has taken responsibility for getting the kids to appointments and making sure I have quiet time for myself.  He is a treasure and I could not do this crazy life without him.  Maybe that is God's plan.  Have I not appreciated him enough? I thought so, but here is an opportunity to see my best friend give his all to support me and to care for our family.

There is nothing better.  I am a little overwhelmed by my responsibilities but having Toby by my side makes it all seem possible.  Another step in the journey, with surprises every single day.  Thank you for listening, my friends.  One step at a time, and learning all the way.

The Next Generation

The next generation of the Harris family is about to become a reality. This week, the truth really hit home: We are going to become grandparents soon.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Until recently, I was not exactly sure how I felt about the next chapter of my journey, but now I know that I can hardly wait!

I went with Kirsten to her ultrasound appointment on Wednesday.  I thought I was going to support her, and hopefully I did.  As I watched the baby on the screen, though, I was so moved by the experience I forgot my role as supporter.  That was my grandchild.  Well, grandson, to be precise.  I was far more emotional viewing her ultrasound than I was when I was having my own.  And watching her obvious joy was priceless.  The love I felt for that unborn baby rivaled any I have felt before.  Now I know what people are talking about when they say, "Just wait".  Oh boy.  Will I ever be the same again? Somehow, I think not.

The best news is that I am not gaining one grandchild but two.  God must really love me to bless my family this way.  Kaeley's baby girl will arrive in October and we will welcome Kirsten's baby boy in December.  My heart is overflowing.  All of this AND being able to adopt Angie?  So much joy!

I have to be honest, though.  The past year has been tough.  We have been in a valley for many, many months.  I do not mean to paint our life as perfect because it is not.  We have experienced pain, grief, disappointment, confusion, tough decisions and hard days.  We have questioned God's plan and wondered what He means for us to do in many aspects of our lives.  And now, we can see the blessings ahead.  Life is that way, isn't it?  Just when you think it may be time to just resign yourself to misery, the sun comes out.  It is tempting to give up before you see it, but don't do it!

I hope this encourages you.  Don't give up.  Your valley is not the same as mine, but it is equally important and just as surmountable.   Often, the last key you try is the one that opens the door.

2,632 Days

Angie has been in our home for 2,632 days.  She recently said to me, out of the blue, as we drove home from a therapy appointment, "Mom, I am a foster child"  and a few days later, "I just want to be normal".  She broke my heart.  For 2,632 days we have wanted Angie to be a legal member of our family.  Prayed for it, ached for it, even almost begged for it.

Recently, we asked again.  I think DHS was just fed up with us by this time, because the answer was different.  This time, it was "maybe".   The reason Angie's case did not include a plan for her adoption is because of her significant medical and developmental needs.  The support we have received from the foster care system allowed us to get the therapies and medical care that Angie needs.  She has needed so much and her future is still uncertain, so we have understood the state's hesitation.  But, today, the "maybe" turned into a "yes".  YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Adoption from foster care is complicated, especially for a child like Angie.  I will not bore you with the details but there is something important you need to understand...........as ecstatic as we are about adopting Angie, we also recognize her family's loss.  We were given a gift today.  Angie's biological mother agreed to relinquish her parental rights so we can adopt Angie and become her forever family.  She didn't have to.  Chances are we still would have been able to adopt, but it would have been different because we would feel that we had taken something away from her other mother.  Instead, what we want most in the world was given to us.  I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine giving up my rights to a child I grew and delivered.  In my opinion, it is most selfless act imaginable and she will carry the weight of her decision always.  I have run out of words to describe my gratitude, but I hope she knows.

As for Angie, she will get what she has wanted most, and we didn't even know it.  Angie will have a forever family and she will grow up drenched in the love of two families.  She deserves this, and so much more.  

Pure Determination

Despite the fact that it is Summer, which means rest and relaxation, Angie is back in Occupational Therapy working hard every week.  She has always worked hard in therapy but this Angie is showing persistence and determination unlike anything I have seen before.  Her long-time therapist, Laura, agrees.  The girl is on fire!

Since starting therapy last month, Angie has mastered undressing independently.  This may seem like something to take for granted at age 7, but if you think so, try doing it with one hand and a shoulder with minimal mobility.  One day, Laura led Angie through the steps of taking her shirt off, and one week later, she was doing all of her undressing without help.  Angie is so stoic and brave about tackling new, challenging tasks.  She simply decides she will do it and then she does.  I admire her so much, it is hard to put into words.

Today, Laura brought out a pair of adapted scissors for Angie to try with her weak hand, affectionately named "Righty".  First, Angie struggled to get "Righty" onto the scissors but she kept trying and after having to replace her arm on the scissors many, many times, she was able to cut through the paper.  As I watched her, I knew what I would do in her place.  I would say, "This arm doesn't work" and I would get up and leave the table.  Wouldn't you?  In fact, as I watched I wanted to rescue her and tell Laura it was too hard.  But I sat.  And I knew she would overcome the obstacle, as she always does.

What happens to us as we get older that makes us forget our power? Why do we assume we will fail instead of doing as Angie does and assume we will succeed? Or is it her?  I think most kids have a certain resilience and strength that somehow recedes as they age.  But I also believe Angie has something special.  She does not see herself as weaker or less important than her peers.  She does not consider the reasons she might fail, only seeing how she can overcome.

Angie is a gift to me, and to our family.  She has given me hope and courage beyond what I had before I met her.  Every day, I am excited to see what she will teach me, what new skill she will learn.  And I watch her to try to absorb what I might do to embrace her can't-fail attitude.  I am not there yet, but tomorrow is another day.

Beach Trip

I have been AWOL from my blog for a while and I am glad to be back.  To be honest, like I promised I would be, I got a nasty Facebook comment about my last blog entry and I was pretty shell-shocked.  So, before I continue, I will urge you to quit reading if you don't want to hear about my family and/or my life.  That's what my blog is about.

We have been doing summer.  I have been on vacation from work for the past two weeks and have enjoyed a ton of family time.  We rented a house at the beach and we celebrated our dear friends' 30th anniversary as they renewed their wedding vows.

Kirk and Lora were some of our first friends when we moved to Clatskanie and we have one of those friendships that picks up where it left off regardless of how long it is between visits.  They live in Iowa now and we are able to visit every year or two.

Our kids love the beach and the boys scared me to death by climbing every large rock formation they could find:

We flew a kite, played on the beach, laughed, and rode the rides.  It was perfect.

We made precious memories together as a family.  As my children have grown older, and some have moved away, I have come to value these times above all else.  As Michael J. Fox says, "Family is not the most important thing, it is everything."