The Last Day

Today is the last day of 2013.  The end of the year and a time to reflect on the past year and (maybe) make resolutions about the year ahead.  I have decided that I will not be making any New Year's resolutions this year.  Why?  I guess I feel that making resolutions causes us to focus on our weaknesses and failures as reasons to change instead of focusing on the courage and strength that we draw from to put one foot in front of the other every single day.  If I am better and I do better today than yesterday I am making progress and I will be able to look back on my year with satisfaction.  That is enough to ask of myself in 2014.

That said, I have been reflecting on the past year and all that has transpired.  There have been milestones, victories and disappointments, to be sure.  In the past year, our family has had to consider an alternate placement for one of our children due to severe behavioral concerns.  We examined ourselves and our resources and eventually made a decision that we would parent the child through the challenges and were unwilling to retreat from the commitment we made to our child in the beginning.  We are the parents and we know and love our children like no on else is able to.  Tough stuff.

We helped Angie complete the transition to kindergarten and the process provided a major reality check for me.  She did not sail into kindergarten as I had hoped.  Instead, she struggled and faltered and provided regular opportunities for me to practice humility.  I was required to look at her needs and her challenges in a new light and to realize that the measuring stick of the medical community, which finds her to exceed expectations, is not the same tool used by the education system.  The adjustment has been painful and I have grieved the experiences I wanted for her as I have replaced my expectations with new hopes and dreams.  I am sad and disappointed in myself because just a few years ago my only prayer was for God to let Angie live and here I am today, greedy for way more than she is able to achieve.  This year I will do better.

Our family has had broken relationships and disappointments within.  All families have these fault lines and gaps in relationships and this year we faced them head on.  The end of the year has brought our family healing and hope for the future.  We have courageously come together and silently agreed to do better.  My efforts to do better and be better each day will be especially focused on my family and what it needs to remain strong and unified.  Everyday life is hard enough without pain and separation within the family.

Although we have have struggled this year, I find myself feeling a sense of gratitude and resolve as I move into the next year.  We have overcome every obstacle.  I have a job and family that I love and a huge "village" of people to hold us up when the going gets rough

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I welcome 2014 and all it will bring.  Each day, an opportunity to start over and do better than the day before.