Parenting with permission

In case you wondered about our unique parenting experience, this is what it feels like: parenting with permission.  Let me explain......

We have so many adults, professionals, and agencies involved in our children's lives that it feels like we have to get permission to parent our children.  If we want to take Levi out to lunch, we have to ask first and then we have to tell someone what time we will return him to his home.  We were not listed as contacts at his school until an agency representative added us.  We attend meeting after meeting where other people tell us what needs to happen in Levi's life.  We consult specialist upon specialist to get help and each time we are on the receiving end of the relationship.  He is in the care of others more than 95% of the time.  Our private lives are laid bare time after time and without doing so we cannot get our son the help he needs.  It can be incredibly intrusive and invasive on a personal level.

Then there is Angie.  Although she is ours in our hearts and souls, she is technically still a ward of the state.  Because of this, we can do NOTHING without permission.  We now can get her hair cut, but that is virtually the only decision we can make without state approval.  Vacations must be approved.  Overnights must be approved.  Caregivers must be approved.  Educational plans must be approved.  Medical treatments definitely must be approved. You get the idea.  Besides the fact that she is in foster care, she is also involved in a multitude of programs and services.  IEP meetings involve a minimum of 6 people, usually many more.  She has a total of 7 specialists that she visits on a regular rotation.  We have quarterly monitoring visits with our caseworker from Developmental Disability Services which involve examining our extensive documentation with a fine-toothed comb.  Every time I turn around, I must answer to someone about my parenting of this precious child.

Don't get me wrong, we are grateful for the support we have received from the people in our children's lives.  We could not continue parenting without it.  Sometimes, though, I dream about a life without the looking glass that we are under.  What would it be like to have a family crisis that you could deal with as a family without including outsiders?  To plan and complete a family vacation without permission?  To attend a medical appointment without reporting on it afterwards?  Not to attend a court hearing every six months and hope you are found worthy to continue parenting the child who is "yours" in your heart?

Many days, I don't think about it.  But, sometimes, it makes me want to scream.  My kids have enough challenges already that I could easily pull the covers up and refuse to leave my bed most days.  The extra scrutiny and supervision can sometimes seem like the last straw for me.  I will never give up, though. My special angels are way too important.  And remember, I "chose" this life, as well-meaning community members like to remind me sometimes.  Really, though, my children have captured my heart and I will not give up advocating them because it is hard.  I guess I just needed to vent tonight.  Thank you for listening:)