Why Can't I Stop?

I posted a couple of months ago about our family retiring from doing foster care.  Well, that didn't happen.  I can't stop.  It sounds crazy, I know.  I also can't stop eating sour, chewy, Jolly Rancher candy.  They are delicious and satisfying in their own way.  I am faced with the fact, though, that there is an overwhelming need in our county and I cannot turn my back.  Almost every week, children are sent to foster homes outside of the county because there are no local foster homes available.  They are separated from siblings, relatives, teachers, and school friends.  When they move they lose everything.

I am not stopping the kids from being sent away.  We are only an emergency, short-term resource.  We keep the children in our home for a week or two until an appropriate placement is found.  But it is something.  I should not feel that I have to justify what I do, but somehow I do.  It is hard to understand, I know, but what a blessing these children have been to our family!  My emotions are all over the board on the topic of foster care.  Deep, deep sorrow for the children who have lost everything and have endured unimaginable pain.  Anger and also sadness for the parents who have lost their children.  Regret that I cannot do more.  And so many other emotions along the way.

This weekend, my heart is broken for the 18 month-old child in our home.  He is lost and afraid, difficult to soothe.  He resists engaging with us and he seems not to know what he needs, either.  To be honest, he has cried much of the weekend, despite our efforts to comfort him.  We don't always have what a child needs and that is hard too.  Each day, though, there have been tiny victories as we try to unlock the hidden joy inside this little boy.  Last night, he let me rock him and after a few minutes, a contented hum began to come from his body.  He was finally at peace for a few moments and soon he was asleep. Victory.

How long, I wonder, will this go on?  I don't know.  We recently learned that we will be grandparents later this year. Do grandparents do foster care?  I know they can, I am just not sure where it will fit for us.  Who am I kidding, though?  If I can't stop now, what makes me think I will feel any differently when my own family has expanded?  Grandparents.....that is a subject for another day.