I want to share some news, in an attempt to keep my word about remaining real and honest here. It is tough stuff, though. We have ventured one step closer to completing Angie's adoption. She has now been declared "legally free" for adoption. It sounds simple and pleasant, but let me shed some light on the complexity for you.......
In order for Angie to become "legally free", both parents have to have their parental rights terminated in some manner. Sadly, Angie's biological father is recently deceased. His loss is a shock and a tragedy for his loved ones. Angie did not know her biological father so she will not recognize the loss, other than its reality as a part of her history someday. We are heartbroken by the shortened life of this man and wish his story were different. My heart goes out to his family.
Angie's birth mother is the individual who gave Angie the freedom to be adopted this week and she is the one I want you to know more about. Unlike most of the biological parents whose children have been in our home, Angie's birth mother has never questioned our parenting or tried to paint us in a negative light to make herself look like the better parent. Unlike the other parents we have encountered, she has never hurt or neglected her child either before or after her birth. Her birth mother has loved Angie with all of heart and she and her family have supported us for the past 7+ years. This woman has done nothing "wrong". She simply is not capable of caring for Angie and she has never disputed this fact.
This week, Angie's mom attended a meeting with her lawyer and Angie's caseworker. She signed the paperwork stating that she was relinquishing her parental rights so that Angie can be adopted. I cannot imagine. It does not matter that Angie has never lived with her or that she always knew she would not be Angie's custodial parent. She is a mom. This woman is a mom like I am a mom and she loves her child. She loves her enough to give her a permanent family. And, today, she is still a mom.
Think about the enormity of this situation. There is so much pain in the midst of our joy. So much hurt in the presence of this miracle. It is hard for me, knowing this. I will not take our good fortune for granted or forget what has been sacrificed on Angie's behalf. I will remain forever grateful.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Miraculous
Toby and I attended the long-awaited meeting with the DHS Current Caretaker Committee this morning. The unbiased, impersonal and judgmental group that we expected was anything but. They were extremely caring and they had a strong bias......for Angie's quality of life. The entire experience was nothing I had pictured when I played scenarios out in my head 1000 times in recent days.
Toby surprised me by being the one who described Angie and the fact that we often "forget" her special needs because there are so many other special things about Angie. He spoke of our devotion to Angie and the huge number of people she has touched with her engaging spirit. He told them about her sense of humor and her drive to keep up with peers. I was so proud. To be perfectly honest, he did most of the talking because I was busy crying. Impressive, I know, but has been a long ride and it just caught up with me.
I was overwhelmed by the compassion of the committee. The facilitator was working in our local DHS office when Angie's battle began and she knew the length and depth of our journey. She was thankful to be involved in a story that she called MIRACULOUS at least 5 times. She said she knew no other word to describe it and of course we agreed. She boldly expressed her surprise that Angie is living today. I have not come out and said it in so many words, but her situation was just that dire.
There were hard questions. Who will care for Angie's needs if something were to happen to you? How will you support your other children if Angie's condition deteriorates or, God forbid, shortens her life? Are you aware of the risks? We could only answer honestly (I had recovered my composure by then) that our children have been with us through uncertain, terrifying periods with Angie already. We have shared information about her condition and have addressed their questions and their fears along the way. Most heartwarming has been to watch the kids support each other when Angie has been in the hospital. No amount of risk can deter us from making this child fully our own. And we have a plan for all of our children in the event of our early death and she will be included.
We left the meeting feeling encouraged by having heard once again how Angie has touched lives that we did not even know about. I never get tired of hearing it. It is one of my favorite things about her miracle-the far-reaching impact it has had. We don't know the final outcome or the decision the committee will make. As we left the office, though, we could not imagine that the outcome will be anything but adoption for Angie.
Toby surprised me by being the one who described Angie and the fact that we often "forget" her special needs because there are so many other special things about Angie. He spoke of our devotion to Angie and the huge number of people she has touched with her engaging spirit. He told them about her sense of humor and her drive to keep up with peers. I was so proud. To be perfectly honest, he did most of the talking because I was busy crying. Impressive, I know, but has been a long ride and it just caught up with me.
I was overwhelmed by the compassion of the committee. The facilitator was working in our local DHS office when Angie's battle began and she knew the length and depth of our journey. She was thankful to be involved in a story that she called MIRACULOUS at least 5 times. She said she knew no other word to describe it and of course we agreed. She boldly expressed her surprise that Angie is living today. I have not come out and said it in so many words, but her situation was just that dire.
There were hard questions. Who will care for Angie's needs if something were to happen to you? How will you support your other children if Angie's condition deteriorates or, God forbid, shortens her life? Are you aware of the risks? We could only answer honestly (I had recovered my composure by then) that our children have been with us through uncertain, terrifying periods with Angie already. We have shared information about her condition and have addressed their questions and their fears along the way. Most heartwarming has been to watch the kids support each other when Angie has been in the hospital. No amount of risk can deter us from making this child fully our own. And we have a plan for all of our children in the event of our early death and she will be included.
We left the meeting feeling encouraged by having heard once again how Angie has touched lives that we did not even know about. I never get tired of hearing it. It is one of my favorite things about her miracle-the far-reaching impact it has had. We don't know the final outcome or the decision the committee will make. As we left the office, though, we could not imagine that the outcome will be anything but adoption for Angie.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Independence
Independence. We take it for granted every single day. What does it really mean? When we get out of bed each morning and start our day we are able to shower, dress, make breakfast, and get ready for our day. We do not require another's help. We drive to work, do our jobs, come home, make dinner and go to bed. Then, we start it all over the next day. These are just the basics. Most of us do other things too. We might go to the gym, walk the dog, or go shopping. Angie doesn't have that.
Angie requires assistance for all of the basics of life. Dressing, bathing, eating, everything. She cannot get in or out of the car or put her shoes on. She is dependent on her caregivers and she knows we will be there to help. This seems like a downer post, I know, but wait.........
Angie can do so much more than we ever thought she would. She tells jokes, plays with friends, walks, talks, and learns. Most importantly, she loves with all of her heart. We never knew if she would do any of this. This week, I was reminded of how much Angie CAN do.
Angie rides the bus to school with other children who have special needs. An assistant comes onto the bus to help her out of her seat, off the bus, and into the school to her classroom. It has always been her routine. Until now.
The staff at school decided to try something new last week. The assistant went onto the bus to get Angie out of her seat and down the stairs off of the bus. But then she stopped and waited. Angie joined the other kids walking into the school, blending into the crowd and visiting with friends on the way to the classroom. The assistant stayed behind.
When I heard, I cried a little bit. Sometimes I tend to assume Angie needs me to do for her instead of challenging her to be independent. The wonderful people who work with Angie do not, and I am so thankful. My heart's desire is for her to have as many typical childhood experiences as possible. The teachers and assistants at Angie's school promote her independence time after time and she shows her abilities with every opportunity. She is the bravest, strongest person I know.
If you have been instrumental one of Angie's special moments, thank you. Thank you for believing in her and for cheering her on. You are an integral part of her miracle and Toby and I recognize you. We honor you. And we can't wait to see what happens next.
Angie requires assistance for all of the basics of life. Dressing, bathing, eating, everything. She cannot get in or out of the car or put her shoes on. She is dependent on her caregivers and she knows we will be there to help. This seems like a downer post, I know, but wait.........
Angie can do so much more than we ever thought she would. She tells jokes, plays with friends, walks, talks, and learns. Most importantly, she loves with all of her heart. We never knew if she would do any of this. This week, I was reminded of how much Angie CAN do.
Angie rides the bus to school with other children who have special needs. An assistant comes onto the bus to help her out of her seat, off the bus, and into the school to her classroom. It has always been her routine. Until now.
The staff at school decided to try something new last week. The assistant went onto the bus to get Angie out of her seat and down the stairs off of the bus. But then she stopped and waited. Angie joined the other kids walking into the school, blending into the crowd and visiting with friends on the way to the classroom. The assistant stayed behind.
When I heard, I cried a little bit. Sometimes I tend to assume Angie needs me to do for her instead of challenging her to be independent. The wonderful people who work with Angie do not, and I am so thankful. My heart's desire is for her to have as many typical childhood experiences as possible. The teachers and assistants at Angie's school promote her independence time after time and she shows her abilities with every opportunity. She is the bravest, strongest person I know.
If you have been instrumental one of Angie's special moments, thank you. Thank you for believing in her and for cheering her on. You are an integral part of her miracle and Toby and I recognize you. We honor you. And we can't wait to see what happens next.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Miracles
I named this blog Life After a Miracle in response to the miracle we have received in Angie's renewal after life-saving surgery. Since that time, there have been other miracles along the way but also many serious challenges for our family. I have shared both and I hope that my blog has not veered from the theme that I am overwhelmingly grateful for the miracles God has bestowed on us.
When the challenges come, it is tempting to let them overshadow the good before us. We forget to be grateful or we just can't do it. I have been guilty of this recently and although I do not really believe in New Year's resolutions, I want to try focus on being grateful in the midst of challenges as the new year begins. This has been a difficult year for our family and maybe it was for yours too. We have experienced geographical separation, strained relationships, parenting roadblocks, medical concerns, and job changes. It has been hard. The challenges have been mixed in with personal victories, major growth, new life, strengthened faith, and the love and support of good friends, but I have not always remembered to be grateful.
We have much to look forward to. I firmly believe that Angie will be adopted in 2016. I will watch my grandchildren grow into almost-toddlers. I will continue to be touched by living in a community that cares and takes care of one another. And, I will strive to be as effective as possible in my new leadership position. There will be miracles and surprises that I can't predict also, I am sure.
I am the same as you..........it is easy to become discouraged. Let's just admit that we are and support one another through the hard days. Some days, it will be easy to be grateful and other days, it will be nearly impossible. It is okay. I want to leave you with an incredibly inspiring miracle. I think you will agree that it is truly amazing and I hope it is a blessing to you as it has been to me. Anything is possible my friends:
When the challenges come, it is tempting to let them overshadow the good before us. We forget to be grateful or we just can't do it. I have been guilty of this recently and although I do not really believe in New Year's resolutions, I want to try focus on being grateful in the midst of challenges as the new year begins. This has been a difficult year for our family and maybe it was for yours too. We have experienced geographical separation, strained relationships, parenting roadblocks, medical concerns, and job changes. It has been hard. The challenges have been mixed in with personal victories, major growth, new life, strengthened faith, and the love and support of good friends, but I have not always remembered to be grateful.
We have much to look forward to. I firmly believe that Angie will be adopted in 2016. I will watch my grandchildren grow into almost-toddlers. I will continue to be touched by living in a community that cares and takes care of one another. And, I will strive to be as effective as possible in my new leadership position. There will be miracles and surprises that I can't predict also, I am sure.
I am the same as you..........it is easy to become discouraged. Let's just admit that we are and support one another through the hard days. Some days, it will be easy to be grateful and other days, it will be nearly impossible. It is okay. I want to leave you with an incredibly inspiring miracle. I think you will agree that it is truly amazing and I hope it is a blessing to you as it has been to me. Anything is possible my friends:
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Progress?
We have finally made a small step towards completing Angie's adoption. Next month, we are invited to go before a committee who will determine whether our family is the best adoptive placement for Angie. We are being asked to "play up" (in the words of DHS) our roles in her medical treatments and in her life. Really?
First, I appreciate that the state of Oregon has specific steps they must take before they can approve an adoptive placement. Many of the steps are in place because of the past mistakes the agency has made with horrible outcomes. However, I do not think it should be necessary to "play up" our relationship or our importance to Angie's well-being. We are her family. Seven years have not proven our commitment to her?
So, I guess I need to plan how I will convince the committee that our family is committed. Should I mention the major fight we initiated when the people in Salem wanted to place a DNR order for Angie, deeming that her life was no longer worth saving? Or the process of finding a doctor who would perform the surgery that eventually saved her life? The battle with the insurance company to pay for the astronomical cost? What about the 2457 days that she has lived as a member of our family so far? Most importantly, Angie wants to be adopted and understands the meaning of adoption. We are the only family she has ever known. Certainly that counts for something?
We will, of course, play the game. What else can we do? On January 13th, we will go before a committee of DHS employees from another county (to avoid bias towards us!) and we will plead our case. The committee will have three days to make a decision. Until then, we will pray. What else can we do?
First, I appreciate that the state of Oregon has specific steps they must take before they can approve an adoptive placement. Many of the steps are in place because of the past mistakes the agency has made with horrible outcomes. However, I do not think it should be necessary to "play up" our relationship or our importance to Angie's well-being. We are her family. Seven years have not proven our commitment to her?
So, I guess I need to plan how I will convince the committee that our family is committed. Should I mention the major fight we initiated when the people in Salem wanted to place a DNR order for Angie, deeming that her life was no longer worth saving? Or the process of finding a doctor who would perform the surgery that eventually saved her life? The battle with the insurance company to pay for the astronomical cost? What about the 2457 days that she has lived as a member of our family so far? Most importantly, Angie wants to be adopted and understands the meaning of adoption. We are the only family she has ever known. Certainly that counts for something?
We will, of course, play the game. What else can we do? On January 13th, we will go before a committee of DHS employees from another county (to avoid bias towards us!) and we will plead our case. The committee will have three days to make a decision. Until then, we will pray. What else can we do?
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Welcome to the World
I had the ultimate privilege this week.........I was present for the birth of my grandson, Ezra. I had never witnessed the birth of someone else's child and I have to tell you this has been at the top of my very short Bucket List. I am weird like that. Well, I was not disappointed. The experience was beyond words.
Poor Kirsten had a long, difficult labor followed by a c-section. As a parent, it was excruciating to watch her labor and become exhausted and not have the result she wanted. She was amazing and strong, but the baby was just not cooperating. I would have taken her place in a minute if I could have. Finally, she was taken to the OR and I got to go too!
Baby Ezra is here and he is perfect. The method makes no difference when you have a healthy baby and Momma. It was so precious to see them meet for the first time:
For those of you who love statistics, Ezra weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces and he is 21.25 inches long. Isn't his hair amazing? I can't stop touching it!! I think he and Grandma are going to be best friends:
Poor Kirsten had a long, difficult labor followed by a c-section. As a parent, it was excruciating to watch her labor and become exhausted and not have the result she wanted. She was amazing and strong, but the baby was just not cooperating. I would have taken her place in a minute if I could have. Finally, she was taken to the OR and I got to go too!
Baby Ezra is here and he is perfect. The method makes no difference when you have a healthy baby and Momma. It was so precious to see them meet for the first time:
For those of you who love statistics, Ezra weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces and he is 21.25 inches long. Isn't his hair amazing? I can't stop touching it!! I think he and Grandma are going to be best friends:
I am grateful for Ezra's safe arrival and I can't wait to get to know him better. Being able to be present at his birth was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life and I will hold in my heart always. He is the perfect early Christmas gift to our family.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Runaway Post
I have to warn you......this might be a runaway post and if you are not in the mood, please stop reading right now. I went to a court hearing today for Angie's half-sister and I feel like Alice in Wonderland who slipped down the hole. Everything is so out of whack....
So, a parent who does not show up for her visits, has recently had her rights terminated for another child, and has no stable living situation gets 3-4 more months to work on it? After 8 months have gone by already? A father who has a history of repeated violence and is a registered sex offender and just spent two weeks in jail AGAIN gets "one more chance" because he begged for it?
Where is the sanity? This is the system that is charged with protecting children. And yet, the caseworker goes to court and lies repeatedly to make the agency look like they are making progress. I can't stand it. What about the kids? The only sane person in the whole room is the child's attorney (who is also my child's attorney) who argued that the most reasonable path is to allow the current caregiver to adopt the child. That is just too simple, though, so why would that happen?
Yes, I am feeling a little bitter. Our own adoption has been held up by the very same system and we have been given no explanation. The very same sex offender seems to be calling the shots, from what we can tell. Does this all seem insane to anyone but me?
I have kept quiet for a long time, but it is no longer an option for me. I have seen repeated cases of children taking a back seat to their parents' wants and needs. The system needs to make our children a priority. Every case is unique, and I can only really attest to what I know myself. Angie continues to ask me why she is not adopted. Every. Single. Night. She has been in foster care for seven and one half years. Does this make sense to you?
So, a parent who does not show up for her visits, has recently had her rights terminated for another child, and has no stable living situation gets 3-4 more months to work on it? After 8 months have gone by already? A father who has a history of repeated violence and is a registered sex offender and just spent two weeks in jail AGAIN gets "one more chance" because he begged for it?
Where is the sanity? This is the system that is charged with protecting children. And yet, the caseworker goes to court and lies repeatedly to make the agency look like they are making progress. I can't stand it. What about the kids? The only sane person in the whole room is the child's attorney (who is also my child's attorney) who argued that the most reasonable path is to allow the current caregiver to adopt the child. That is just too simple, though, so why would that happen?
Yes, I am feeling a little bitter. Our own adoption has been held up by the very same system and we have been given no explanation. The very same sex offender seems to be calling the shots, from what we can tell. Does this all seem insane to anyone but me?
I have kept quiet for a long time, but it is no longer an option for me. I have seen repeated cases of children taking a back seat to their parents' wants and needs. The system needs to make our children a priority. Every case is unique, and I can only really attest to what I know myself. Angie continues to ask me why she is not adopted. Every. Single. Night. She has been in foster care for seven and one half years. Does this make sense to you?
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