Why Can't I Stop?

I posted a couple of months ago about our family retiring from doing foster care.  Well, that didn't happen.  I can't stop.  It sounds crazy, I know.  I also can't stop eating sour, chewy, Jolly Rancher candy.  They are delicious and satisfying in their own way.  I am faced with the fact, though, that there is an overwhelming need in our county and I cannot turn my back.  Almost every week, children are sent to foster homes outside of the county because there are no local foster homes available.  They are separated from siblings, relatives, teachers, and school friends.  When they move they lose everything.

I am not stopping the kids from being sent away.  We are only an emergency, short-term resource.  We keep the children in our home for a week or two until an appropriate placement is found.  But it is something.  I should not feel that I have to justify what I do, but somehow I do.  It is hard to understand, I know, but what a blessing these children have been to our family!  My emotions are all over the board on the topic of foster care.  Deep, deep sorrow for the children who have lost everything and have endured unimaginable pain.  Anger and also sadness for the parents who have lost their children.  Regret that I cannot do more.  And so many other emotions along the way.

This weekend, my heart is broken for the 18 month-old child in our home.  He is lost and afraid, difficult to soothe.  He resists engaging with us and he seems not to know what he needs, either.  To be honest, he has cried much of the weekend, despite our efforts to comfort him.  We don't always have what a child needs and that is hard too.  Each day, though, there have been tiny victories as we try to unlock the hidden joy inside this little boy.  Last night, he let me rock him and after a few minutes, a contented hum began to come from his body.  He was finally at peace for a few moments and soon he was asleep. Victory.

How long, I wonder, will this go on?  I don't know.  We recently learned that we will be grandparents later this year. Do grandparents do foster care?  I know they can, I am just not sure where it will fit for us.  Who am I kidding, though?  If I can't stop now, what makes me think I will feel any differently when my own family has expanded?  Grandparents.....that is a subject for another day.

Angie turned seven last week.  Seven!!!  Can you believe it?  I could not write about it at that the time because I truly was speechless.  I am not sure what is different about this birthday, but it really made me think.......

I used to think that Angie cheated death when she overcame her life-threatening seizures.  In fact I counted on it.  I now realize that I was wrong.  So wrong.  If God had intended death for Angie back then, it would have happened.  God does not make mistakes.  He intended all along for Angie to remain on this Earth to teach us what really matters.  Her job is so important.  Her life is a gift to us all.

She is doing an amazing job, don't you think?  Really, it is easy to provide pat explanations, but if you know Angie, you know that this is true of her.  She makes Toby and I laugh every single day.  We never have to worry about taking ourselves too seriously.  She calls me "sweetheart" and she never meets a person without introducing herself and saying, "nice to meet you".  She faces every challenge with a smile and she never complains about the activities she cannot participate in.  She is willing to try anything.  How many of us can say that?

My life is better for having this precious girl in it.  Her future remains unknown and we never forget that insidious Sturge-Weber syndrome has taken for too many precious angels too soon.  Today, I am grateful for the seven years and the gift of a new perspective on life.  God is in charge of this journey and I am excited to see where it leads us next.

I want to leave you with a couple of more pictures from Angie's bowling party yesterday.  She absolutely loved it!

Journey on!!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.  You knew I would have something to say about that, didn't you?  I am passionate about the institution of motherhood.  If I have learned anything about motherhood over the years it is this: It is far from simple.

I used to think you gave birth and then you were a Mother.  You do and you are.  But what about the other Mothers?  The Mothers who give birth but do not take their child home to raise them?  The Mothers who care for children born to other women, through foster care or adoption, or just by choice?  What about the Mothers who we call "stepmothers"?  The Mothers whose parenting was interrupted because they were unable to keep their child safe and healthy?  And the Mothers whose children were taken to Heaven far too soon?

We are all important.  To our children, none of these is less a "Mother".  Our children's identities depend on us honoring each Mother on Mother's Day, and every day.  Every child identifies with their biological mother, regardless of whether she is a present in their daily lives.  I have learned through being a foster parent that no event, history of neglect, or even a crime can steal a child's love for their Mother.  For those Mothers whose biggest mistake is forgetting to send a child to school with their favorite toy on "show and tell" day this is good news.  For the Mother who is not parenting, whatever the reason, this is very good news.

So, as Mother's Day approaches, I think of my children's "other mothers" and of my own, as I was adopted as an infant.  There is no gift more precious than the gift of life and nothing can take that honor away from you.  In a culture that upholds a woman's "right to choose" you chose life and my life will never be the same because of your choice. I don't want to start a debate about which mother is "real" and which has contributed the most. Tomorrow is a day for all of us.  We are all important and have contributed to our children's legacy.

Motherhood is hard.  It deserves celebration.  Tomorrow, I celebrate all mothers and their gifts and sacrifices.  None of you is less or to be forgotten.


"But behind all your stories is your mother's story, for hers is where yours begins."
Mitch Albom-For One More Day

It feels a little bit like we are on a runaway train these days.  So much going on, I don't even know where to begin....

We have another sort-term visitor in our home.  I have said this before, but this time I am really blown away.  For the first time, my work life and foster care have intersected in an unexpected way.  The child in our home is a child who was previously on my caseload when I was a Family Resource Coordinator.  He left my center almost two years ago and I never dreamed we would meet again this way.  This little guy has extreme special needs and we will care for him for a short time until he can be settled in a suitable placement.  Toby and I are overwhelmed by the emotions this child creates in us.  He is sweet, engaging, expressive, and completely nonverbal.  He has unlimited potential and he will need someone to take the time to nurture and encourage his growth.  Please keep this special boy in your prayers.  He needs someone to love him unconditionally and to dedicate themselves to his cause.

Angie, our own special angel, is absolutely thriving.  She amazes me every day and she has grown so much this year.  This girl is so ready for first grade that it is almost a shame she has to wait.  I have to share that the compassion that Angie has for our little guy makes me tear up as I watch her.  She is so nurturing and kind that I truly want to cry. You are probably tired of hearing this, but really, God sent sent this child as a gift, a teacher for us all.  She is unbelievable.

There is so much that I can't share, because my family's privacy is so important to me.  The past few weeks have been life-changing for me.  We are undergoing long-awaited healing on so many fronts.  I can't wait to share it all.

For now, know that we need your prayers.  Angie is having tests and evaluations that will determine which treatments she will have in the future.  We continue to battle insurance denials.  Don't even get me started on that subject!  Levi has had some testing at school this week that could provide important information for him.  Kirsten passed her nursing licensing exam this week and is deciding how to move forward.  Josh needs normal parenting guidance, which we barely remember how to give. Never a dull moment in the Harris house!

Please know how much we treasure your prayers and kind thoughts.  We are no different than any other family, we just share our struggles here with you.  Everyone is struggling, and we know that.  Life is hard and we need each other.  I hope you will send me a private message if I can help or support you in any way.  Until then...........you will be in my heart.

The Sunshine after the Rain

Last week was one of the worst I can remember.  So many disappointments and frustrations.  Exhaustion and defeat galore.  All to build my character, I am sure, but still.  And then, at the end of the week, we learned that a 19 year-old girl in our online Sturge-Weber group passed away due to complications from Sturge-Weber syndrome.  Fear struck my heart like a lightening bolt.  Nicole had bilateral disease like Angie and her life was, of course, precious to all who knew her.  How do I move on?  And then this weekend.....complete joy!

Levi came home for an overnight visit, as he has on the past several weekends.  Last weekend, I thought I noticed a change in him.  This week, I knew.  He has changed.  The anxious, easily upset, unpredictable child has been replaced with a calm gentle boy.  He has learned new coping skills and he is working hard to apply them.  Where he would have had an emotional outburst before, he can now walk away.  I heard him singing the "clean up" song and he was in Angie's room helping the 3 year-old who was with us for the weekend clean up the toys.  That never would have happened in the past.  The time went far too fast with this new boy and I was sad to see him leave.  I miss him so much during the week, but I am now so excited for the next visit to see more evidence of the changes occurring in him.

What happened, you ask?  I am not positive but I think it the difference in a child who is getting his needs met.  He is living in a highly structured environment and he is learning the skills he needs to manage his emotions and behavior.  Levi is thriving in school and the direct result is newfound confidence that drives him to continue working hard.  He is surrounded by a staff of awesome adults who want him to be successful and they have invested time and energy to guide and direct him.  They truly care for him and it shows.

We could not have chosen a better program for Levi.  Our hearts were broken to have him move, but the rewards are exponentially worth it.  It was not about us, after all, but about his needs.  One more huge step towards healing for our family, for when one of us hurts, we all hurt.  Bring on the weekends, regardless of the week proceeding them.  This family is on a roll!

Out of the Woods

We had a home visit from a nurse tonight.  She comes every six months observe the administration of Angie's medications through her G-tube and to "sign-off" on the procedure.  Visits like this snap me out of my thinking that we are a typical family with normal issues to deal with.  We aren't.  Oh, we have plenty of normal issues, but we have something else too.

We have two children with serious medical and developmental concerns and we will never be "out of the woods" so to speak.  We will never be certain of their future health.  Tonight I read a blog that completely sums it up so I am sharing it here:

http://themighty.com/2015/04/when-your-medically-complex-child-is-never-really-out-of-the-woods/

Angie and Levi both are participating in community and school activities that we never dreamed would be possible for them.  It is amazing, their strength and courage.  And yet, both have life-long disabilities with serious implications.  Angie is being evaluated (again) for hearing loss and possible shoulder surgery this week.  Next week, glaucoma and a consult with a sleep clinic.  Soon, new therapies and chiropractic will be added.  Her seizure control is constantly in jeopardy and we are ever watchful for unusual movements or behaviors.  Levi also has regular evaluations and therapies to determine how his needs can be met.

So, I can relate to the blog writer's feeling that the family is never "out of the woods".  You know what though?  I choose not to pitch my tent in the woods.  Instead, I am thankful for the courage my children possess.  I am thankful, in a very intentional way, for every single day with my children.  I know what it feels like to be on the edge of disaster.  And to experience a miracle and be given another chance.

Yes, I suppose we are still in the woods.  But life here is beautiful and precious and I would choose it over again in a minute.