Miracles

I named this blog Life After a Miracle in response to the miracle we have received in Angie's renewal after life-saving surgery.  Since that time, there have been other miracles along the way but also many serious challenges for our family.  I have shared both and I hope that my blog has not veered from the theme that I am overwhelmingly grateful for the miracles God has bestowed on us.

When the challenges come, it is tempting to let them overshadow the good before us.  We forget to be grateful or we just can't do it.  I have been guilty of this recently and although I do not really believe in New Year's resolutions, I want to try focus on being grateful in the midst of challenges as the new year begins.  This has been a difficult year for our family and maybe it was for yours too.  We have experienced geographical separation, strained relationships, parenting roadblocks, medical concerns, and job changes.  It has been hard.  The challenges have been mixed in with personal victories, major growth, new life, strengthened faith, and the love and support of good friends, but I have not always remembered to be grateful.

We have much to look forward to.  I firmly believe that Angie will be adopted in 2016.  I will watch my grandchildren grow into almost-toddlers.  I will continue to be touched by living in a community that cares and takes care of one another.  And, I will strive to be as effective as possible in my new leadership position.  There will be miracles and surprises that I can't predict also, I am sure.

I am the same as you..........it is easy to become discouraged. Let's just admit that we are and support one another through the hard days.  Some days, it will be easy to be grateful and other days, it will be nearly impossible.  It is okay.  I want to leave you with an incredibly inspiring miracle.  I think you will agree that it is truly amazing and I hope it is a blessing to you as it has been to me.  Anything is possible my friends:

Progress?

We have finally made a small step towards completing Angie's adoption.  Next month, we are invited to go before a committee who will determine whether our family is the best adoptive placement for Angie.  We are being asked to "play up" (in the words of DHS) our roles in her medical treatments and in her life.  Really?

First, I appreciate that the state of Oregon has specific steps they must take before they can approve an adoptive placement. Many of the steps are in place because of the past mistakes the agency has made with horrible outcomes.  However, I do not think it should be necessary to "play up" our relationship or our importance to Angie's well-being.  We are her family.  Seven years have not proven our commitment to her?

So, I guess I need to plan how I will convince the committee that our family is committed.  Should I mention the major fight we initiated when the people in Salem wanted to place a DNR order for Angie, deeming that her life was no longer worth saving? Or the process of finding a doctor who would perform the surgery that eventually saved her life?  The battle with the insurance company to pay for the astronomical cost? What about the 2457 days that she has lived as a member of our family so far?  Most importantly, Angie wants to be adopted and understands the meaning of adoption.  We are the only family she has ever known.  Certainly that counts for something?

We will, of course, play the game.  What else can we do?  On January 13th, we will go before a committee of DHS employees from another county (to avoid bias towards us!) and we will plead our case.  The committee will have three days to make a decision. Until then, we will pray.  What else can we do?

Welcome to the World

I had the ultimate privilege this week.........I was present for the birth of my grandson, Ezra.  I had never witnessed the birth of someone else's child and I have to tell you this has been at the top of my very short Bucket List.  I am weird like that.  Well, I was not disappointed.  The experience was beyond words.

Poor Kirsten had a long, difficult labor followed by a c-section.  As a parent, it was excruciating to watch her labor and become exhausted and not have the result she wanted. She was amazing and strong, but the baby was just not cooperating.  I would have taken her place in a minute if I could have.  Finally, she was taken to the OR and I got to go too!

Baby Ezra is here and he is perfect. The method makes no difference when you have a healthy baby and Momma.  It was so precious to see them meet for the first time:

For those of you who love statistics, Ezra weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces and he is 21.25 inches long.  Isn't his hair amazing?  I can't stop touching it!! I think he and Grandma are going to be best friends:

I am grateful for Ezra's safe arrival and I can't wait to get to know him better. Being able to be present at his birth was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life and I will hold in my heart always.   He is the perfect early Christmas gift to our family.

Runaway Post

I have to warn you......this might be a runaway post and if you are not in the mood, please stop reading right now.  I went to a court hearing today for Angie's half-sister and I feel like Alice in Wonderland who slipped down the hole.  Everything is so out of whack....

So, a parent who does not show up for her visits, has recently had her rights terminated for another child,  and has no stable living situation gets 3-4 more months to work on it?  After 8 months have gone by already? A father who has a history of repeated violence and is a registered sex offender and just spent two weeks in jail AGAIN gets "one more chance" because he begged for it?

Where is the sanity?  This is the system that is charged with protecting children.  And yet, the caseworker goes to court and lies repeatedly to make the agency look like they are making progress.  I can't stand it. What about the kids?  The only sane person in the whole room is the child's attorney (who is also my child's attorney) who argued that the most reasonable path is to allow the current caregiver to adopt the child. That is just too simple, though, so why would that happen?

Yes, I am feeling a little bitter.  Our own adoption has been held up by the very same system and we have been given no explanation.  The very same sex offender seems to be calling the shots, from what we can tell.  Does this all seem insane to anyone but me?

I have kept quiet for a long time, but it is no longer an option for me.  I have seen repeated cases of children taking a back seat to their parents' wants and needs.  The system needs to make our children a priority.  Every case is unique, and I can only really attest to what I know myself.  Angie continues to ask me why she is not adopted. Every. Single. Night. She has been in foster care for seven and one half years.  Does this make sense to you?

Peace

Peace. It seems elusive right now, don't you think?  All over the world, people are living in fear and horror because of the acts of evil people.  Regardless of where you live, the horrible acts have touched your lives. Paris, Belgium, Brussels, Mali.  Where does it end?  World peace seems so far away, and sometimes personal peace feels that way too.

It makes sense that the cruel, violent acts of terrorism that we see in the media shake our sense of peace.  Unimaginable acts of violence in our own country move us too.  We see our Facebook friends lose loved ones.  And, then, personal tragedy steps in and we lose our hope.  It can be anything.......a job loss, broken relationship, personal disappointment, financial worries.  How will we recover?  Is peace too far away for us to reach? Is there just too much sadness?

I don't know the answer and I wish I did.  We are heading into the Christmas season with its popular theme, "Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men" and "Let There Be Peace on Earth."  It can be hard to put on a brave face and embrace the season.  Sometimes, I wonder, "How do people pretend all season long?" Or any time of year, for that matter?

I have decided I will try something this year.  I want to be honest, it has been an extremely difficult year for me and for my family. This year, I am going to start at Thanksgiving.  I am practicing thanksgiving by noticing all that I have to be grateful for and there is so much!!!  I have started a mental list and the list continues to grow.  My husband, who gives unconditionally and always supports me in my crazy dreams.  My children, a gift from God to show me my purpose in the World.    Becoming a grandma.   My job, where I continue to learn every single day as I watch my co-workers facilitate miracles for the families that we serve.  Freedom, to speak and believe as I choose. A warm home and a full belly.  Doctors, teachers, therapists, and caregivers who help us to give our children every opportunity available to help them be successful. That is just the beginning. There is more.

Start your list and prepare your heart for the days ahead.  I think that "paying it forward" by practicing gratitude is the first step towards finding peace.  It will not change global or personal circumstances but I believe it will have a lasting impact on our sense of peace.  I am going to give it a try and I hope you will too.

Disconnect

There is a huge disconnect between Angie and the child welfare system. This girl wants to be adopted and she does not understand why it has not happened already. Let's be clear about one thing before I continue........Angie has been in foster care for 7.5 years so far.  We would have adopted her at day one.  You can do the math.

The next most important fact is this.....Angie knows she is foster care and she wants to be adopted more than anything.  Every single night when I put her to bed she tells me that she wants to be adopted.  Last night, she said, "Mom, I hope I don't have to move away."  My heart is broken.

There have been two children with seizure disorders who passed away this week. I cannot stand the thought of my child dying this way, adopted or not.  The struggle is real.  Despite her current seizure-free status, Angie is just as much at risk for sudden death from seizure.

We are trying to work through the process but it seems to be stalled. We are helpless to move the process forward, unless we hire our own lawyer.  Maybe we will eventually.  For now, we must navigate between reassuring Angie and trying to advocate for her adoption to be completed.

It becomes more difficult each day and we are frustrated too.  Please pray for our family. These are difficult days. And then , we have a new puppy and a grandchild coming any day too. Oh Boy!!!

My Worst Fear

My worst fear was realized last week. A precious child with Sturge-Weber Syndrome passed away.  That she was not my child makes it only a tiny bit easier to bear.  It was someone's child and the pain is unimaginable.  I cannot put the thought away. What if??????

When children pass away from Sturge-Weber Syndrome it is almost always from a sudden, intractable seizure, often in the middle of the night while they sleep.  Most of the time, the sudden death occurs in a child whose seizures are thought to be well-controlled.  In other words, it comes like a thief in the night.  Sweet little Ava dressed up in her costume on Halloween and a few days later she was gone.

My heart goes out to Ava's family.  When I first learned of the news, I wanted to know exactly what happened, as if I could then prevent it happening to Angie.  Now, I know that the less I know the better.  No good can come from having details to run through my mind.  I refuse to start getting up in the middle of the night to make sure she is still breathing or to limit her time away from me "just in case".  Sturge-Weber will not steal my peace.   I have always known that each day we have with Angie is a gift.  This news should not make that any more or less true.  We still have a miracle and God has predetermined how long and how full her life will be.

I would ask you to stop and say a prayer for Ava's family tonight.  They have suffered an unimaginable loss and their lives have been forever changed.  Ava has several older siblings, like Angie, and they miss her horribly.  Please pray for their peace.

I hate Sturge-Weber Syndrome and hope for the cure that is so close.  Unfortunately, it is a rare disease and research is not well funded.  There are doctors devoted to finding a cure, though, and they are getting close.  Seven years ago I had never heard of SWS and now it is my worst enemy.  I am up for the challenge and I will keep fighting until a cure is found.

Overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed by emotion.  We have just been flooded by significant events and the emotions have surprised me.  So much goodness.....

Levi moved home last week and it feels so good to have our family in one place again.  It just feels right.  Not without anxiety, but right.  How will we keep him safe?  What if someone takes advantage of his limited problem-solving skills? Will the kids at school be nice to him?  We don't know yet, and the unknowns are very real.  But, he is HOME.

And then, yesterday, this happened......

Kaeley surprised us by coming to Clatskanie and we met our precious granddaughter, Piper Rose, for the very first time.  There are no words.  This love is so different from any other I have ever experienced. She has stolen my heart.  The love that I feel for Kaeley is just compounded into this little one.  She is so perfect! Because I am adopted, I think that biological relationships become even more meaningful. Little Piper is the perfect combination of Kaeley and Jordan and I suspect she may prove to have some of Kirsten's personality down the road. I am overwhelmed. So many feelings......

Our family has been so blessed.  Another grandchild will arrive in a few weeks and I will explode with love once again. Who knew that life could be so rich?  And yet, we struggle daily with the challenges of raising children with special needs and balancing all of the other demands of life.  I wouldn't trade my life for all of the money for the world.  If you are still reading, thank you for being a part of this crazy life.  There is more to come and I can't wait to see what the future brings!

Homecoming

Last weekend, our local high school celebrated Homecoming.  This event always takes me back to my own high school experience and the traditions we observed at Astoria High School.  This weekend, Josh and his girlfriend Madeline attended the homecoming dance.  Madeline was the Sophomore Class Princess and she could not have been more beautiful.

We had another Homecoming in our family this weekend.........Levi moved home from the group home he has lived in for the past 9 months.  This was not a decision we made lightly.  In fact, Toby and I agonized over it until practically the night before it happened.  This is not a parenting decision that can be made without serious contemplation.  When push comes to shove, we want our son to be home where he belongs.  We took a deep breath and dove in with both feet.  So far, it has been amazing.  Levi started school on Monday and he loves being back with his friends.  When we go to bed at night, it just feels right to have all of us under one roof.

We don't know what the future holds for us.  Levi has a diagnosis that will cause lifelong challenges.  He is not the same child who moved to Portland last December, though.  He is an old soul.  He understands life in a way that no child should ever have to. But he has also learned skills that will serve him well as he moves forward.  We do not regret our decision last December. But we are so very glad to have our boy home with us.

It is a very happy Homecoming for sure.

Waiting

We are in a pattern of waiting right now.  Have you ever felt that way?  Life goes on, day after day, and we do what we need to do.  But, still, we are waiting.......

We are waiting for Levi to come home.  We have a moving date, October 23rd.  We have met with the school and set up a schedule and program for him. We have completed reams of paperwork, hours of family counseling, and have hired a support worker.  But still, we are waiting.

We are waiting for our first grandchild to be born, and then another very soon.  Kaeley's due date was the 12th of October.  If we think we are waiting, she and Tristan are even more so.  I should not complain, but the waiting is so hard!!

We are waiting for Angie's adoption to be completed.  Unfortunately, we have no control over the process and it is excruciating.  We have already waited for seven years.  To her, that is a lifetime and she lets us know on a regular basis, saying, "Come on, let's do this!".  Her spirit and personality are priceless.  However, we are waiting......

There is a value in waiting, I know.  We must need to learn patience.  Right?  Or, we just need to trust that God knows what He is doing and that His timing is perfect. I know.  It's not that we aren't busy and have things to do. We are crazy-busy right now!  Toby and I are just not the type to wait around for something to happen if we don't have to. We make it happen, one way or another.  This is just our nature, so it is not surprising that all this waiting is making us uncomfortable.  And then I found this...

And I remember.....every miracle is worth waiting for.

Today was a day that I will always remember.  I spent the day helping Josh to plan his invitation to the Homecoming dance for his girlfriend, Madeline.  At first glance it might not seem that special, but to me it was incredibly so.

Josh is our "easy child".  Oh, there have been bumps along the way.  Mostly because school is boring and irrelevant for a 15 year-old boy. Besides that, Josh has been a pleasure and a joy to parent.  Being the older brother of two siblings with special needs is a unique experience that most kids don't have.  Josh has managed the challenge with compassion and grace that is far beyond his years.  And he has sacrificed.

Today, I had a chance to give him my time and attention and it was amazing.  Josh knew exactly what he wanted to do to invite Madeline to the dance and I was just along for support-to cook their dinner.  He made a sign, complete with lights, and ordered flowers with a sweet card.  It was fun to see his anticipation and to watch her delight when she saw his efforts.  So much fun.

I am grateful for Josh because he reminds me that life is fun and spontaneous.  When I tend to get caught up in the details he reminds me of the little things in life, which are actually big things.  Today was for Josh and Madeline. I was just an extra.  But it made me realize how fortunate I am for this very special boy's presence in my life.  He reminds me of all that is good and right in the world and I am so grateful.

The Process

I have shared that we are going through the process to adopt Angie.  When the state child welfare office told us that we FINALLY could adopt, we were over-the-top thrilled.  We could not believe it!!!  Fast forward four months and we have barely moved forward in the process.  Are we frustrated?  You bet.

I try to stay positive in my blog posts but this is ridiculous.  We have waited 7 years.  The first delay in the process was that Angie's birth father claimed to be a Native American.  There is a law (ICWA) that protects children who are descendants of Native American so his claim had to be explored.  For four months.  Now it has been established that he is not a Native American and we can move to the next step.....

Current Caretaker Committee. If we ever get to the committee, they are charged with determining if our home is the best long-term placement for Angie.  After SEVEN years!  Is it just me, or does this seem like a waste of time?  Not that she is not amazing, because she is, but we don't exactly have any competition in the adoption ring at this point.  We are her family.

I am frustrated. The state recently has quickly separated long-term placements from the only parents they have known.  They do not hesitate when this is the case.  However, when a family who deeply loves a child and has walked the journey we have is presented to them for adoption they are in no hurry at all.  I know what They are thinking......she is in a stable placement.  But They are wrong.

True, Angie is in a stable placement.  We will NEVER give up on her.  But what They are overlooking (even though we have told them multiple times) is that Angie knows she is in foster care and she does not want to be.  Often, Angie comments to me, "Mom, I am a foster child, I want to be adopted". My heart is broken.  This child has cheated death, overcome the odds, and has created a life of victory.  She deserves to be adopted.

I am sorry for the downer post.  We have yet to schedule our Current Caretaker Committee meeting despite my fervent request and I am tired of the delays.  Angie deserves better.  I will try to post updates that are more positive as we move through the process.

Through the Blur

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”
― Debra Ginsberg

I love this quote.  Isn't it true?  I am really feeling it right now.  Our kids' needs are changing and growing all at once and I can barely keep up with myself.  The emotions are HUGE.

Two weeks into first grade, we need to make adjustments to Angie's routine.  It is not working.  Regardless of the gains she has made, Angie is going to need a lot of special instruction to be successful.  School is hard!  Have you noticed that the skills we learned in 3rd grade are now taught in 1st grade, or even Kindergarten?  Crazy!  As a parent, it is always hard to hear that your child is struggling.  I consider myself to be pretty knowledgeable as far as understanding special needs and learning disabilities.  I realize now, though, that it doesn't matter how much you know......it is the heart that feels the pain and there is no escaping.  I am really grieving right now for the challenges that will be ongoing for Angie and I feel helpless to take them away.

We will transition Levi from his group home to our home over the next month. The process must be carefully planned in order to be successful and it rests heavily on my heart.  We want to be assured that Levi will have all of the supports he needs to be successful and our family will have to make some changes for it to work.  There is so much to do.  This is a very personal, private matter so I will not share many details, but know this.........we want him home with us. 

We are relying heavily on our schools to collaborate with us to help our kids.  This is where I am most hopeful.  Our school staff is amazing.  I know that the town of Clatskanie has been the subject of some negative news stories lately but let me tell you that the shining star of our community is our schools. Toby and I are grateful for the encouragement and support we have received as we have advocated for our kids over the years.  I hear a lot of horror stories about terrible, contentious IEP meetings and families who cannot get what their children need at school.  That has never been our experience. We are confident that we will have productive meetings for both Angie and Levi and that their needs will be met at school.

In the midst of the storm, Toby and I went away to Sonoma last week.  We had the best time and we were truly able to leave our worries behind and enjoy the beauty of wine country with our friends, Kyle and Christin.  The wine was pretty good, too!

Please pray for our family as we move ahead to advocate for our kids.  It is a never-ending process that will exhaust even the most robust parent.  Honestly, I feel weak and unprepared but I know that God is by my side and He will help me along.  Without my faith, I would throw in the towel here and now.  With faith, I will move forward, one step at a time.

Feeling It All

Someone recently told me that all of their feelings were coming out so strong.  They were actually describing their newly-developed potential to cry at any given moment, which had become a bit concerning to them.  I do not have the same potential, at least I don't think so, but this weekend I experienced something close....... so many feelings.

Toby and I attended two weddings last weekend.  There is nothing like a wedding to make a person feel a little weepy, right?  The first bride was a longtime employee of Fultano's who is near and dear to our hearts.  She has moved on to a new job and started a family now and it was a joy to see her married and happy.  The second bride was precious Mackenzie, who has been Jordan's best friend for forever and a day.  Sweet Mackenzie practically grew up in our home because she and Jordan were inseparable.  She has overcome a serious illness, given birth to a precious son, and has shown infinite grace throughout her challenges.  Last weekend, she married her best friend, little Roman's father, David.

My feelings were overwhelming as I watched these young couples commit their lives to one another.  So much hope and promise!!!  But also, I thought of the struggles that were sure to come as the years go by and how they could grow closer as they overcame the challenges.  I have learned to appreciate the growth that comes from being in the hard places together.  It some ways, it is just as important as the joy that comes on easy days.  What a gift these couples have opened.  I am excited for them to begin the journey.

Another journey is beginning, too.  Kaeley and Tristan will meet their baby girl soon.  Kaeley is less than four weeks from her due date.  Last Sunday, I attended her baby shower and the feelings arrived in full force! She is one of the most beautiful expectant moms.  All of the memories of my own pregnancy came again and I was overwhelmed.  I remembered how, being a first-time mom, I was scared to death by the responsibility of caring for my newborn baby.  We learned together over the days and years and eventually my joy overrode the fear. Oh, the joy that baby girl brought me!

I can't wait for Kaeley to experience motherhood.  There is no experience to match the blessing of the birth of a baby.  She will be forever changed. Her heart will grow to wrap around her little girl and she will protect her little one with amazing ferocity.

So much hope and love poured into one weekend.  I guess maybe I am getting to that stage in life when I become a weepy old woman.  I can't help it though.  The next generation is coming and I am both excited and terrified to see what comes next.  Congratulations to Mary and Zach, Mackenzie and David, and Kaeley and Tristan.  Let the adventure begin!

This Girl

This happened today.......first grade.  Now, we have been over this before but it is near and dear in my mind today.  This child was not supposed to LIVE.  And look at her:

This girl is rocking first grade.  I know when you read my words and see the pictures it is hard to imagine the peril that this little girl's life was in but let me remind you that officials connected with Oregon State DHS wanted to enact a Do Not Recussitate order.  Would you allow this for a child who clearly has a lifetime of hope ahead?  Of course not.

You know the story, Angie had life-saving surgery which required the entire left hemisphere of her brain to be removed. We fought the fight and look at her today! This girl is in first grade and today she nailed it!

Miss Angie is a survivor of the very best kind.  She doesn't even think about it. She figures her life is the same as everyone else's and she does not expect special treatment.  She embraces her life simply because it is hers.   What an example for the rest of us.

I don't know your struggles.  You probably don't know all of mine, either.  Still, we can embrace the life we have and not look back at our challenges.  Why Not?  Have ever noticed your car?  The rearview mirror is tiny and the front window is HUGE.  This is really important because we need to focus on what is ahead and what happened before is miniscule in comparison.

If Angie can do it, we can too, right?  Make no mistake, Angie has been told about her past.  She knows the history, as well as she can understand.  She simply chooses to look and to move forward.  Every. Single. Day.  What a precious lesson for all of us, if we choose it.

Heaven on Earth

This has been our view for the past week.  The picture doesn't even do it justice.  Toby's parents have a cabin in Idaho that is a little piece of Heaven on Earth.  The cabin itself is modest and unremarkable but the view and the memories we have made there are priceless.

For the past 29 years (minus one due to a high-risk pregnancy) I have been blessed to spend time at this amazing place.  For Toby and I, our time at the lake is an important milestone before beginning another school year.  I use the time to reflect on the year we have finished and plan for the next, as if I have some amount of control over it.  We almost cancelled our trip this year because my job became unexpectedly crazy and then my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  We did not see how we could go, but we knew, too, that we really needed to go.  So we did.

 We only had three of our kids with us this year, which is the fewest we have ever had for the trip.  Josh brought a friend and even then the cabin seemed quiet.  Our "big girls" were all unable to join us as they have become adults with busy lives of their own.

This year, I was a little bit homesick for the days when my brothers-in-law and their wives were there with us.  In those days, when we could still all fit in the cabin at once, we were young and the cares of the world were far away.  We had no idea what the future had in store for us and for the week we spent at the cabin we were not concerned.  We took late-night boat rides and waterskied all day.  Awww........those were the days.

These days, we stagger our vacations to allow each family enough space.  There are 22 of us now.  We have traded our worry-free vacations for simply taking a break from the crazy, busy lives we have now.  We catch up when we get home and compare stories but it isn't quite the same.

We are grateful for our time away, though and despite feeling a little guilty for going ahead with our trip, we are feeling rested and ready to face the challenges ahead.  Look at these two, can you imagine a better way to end the day?

Finding Hope

We are doing it, Finding Hope.  What seemed overwhelming last week now feels realistic and manageable.  Scary, but manageable.  What changed? After the initial shock of the gigantic swerve in the road I experienced, I realized something.  Hope is where you look for it.

Hope is everywhere, we just don't look sometimes.  As I struggled to make sense of my new role at work, my father's cancer diagnosis, and the injustice of the foster care system, God showed me that there is hope all around me.

I found it in an amazing day spent shopping with just my two boys-a rare event.  Driving with Angie, she told me that she cannot wait to be adopted and there it was again.  Friends and family have asked what they can do to support me as I work longer hours.  Hope.  I can do this.  Then, a visit from my 8 months-pregnant daughter and I am flooded with it.  My dad's surgery was scheduled and we realized we can still take the family vacation that we were ready to cancel.  It is everywhere.

We all do it.  We get wrapped up in the details and the challenges and it becomes hard to see anything else. One of my childhood friends lost her mother suddenly this week.  I cannot imagine the pain.  Another child returned to foster care after an unsuccessful return home to her parents.  A family deals with the pain of a new diagnosis for their child.  This is tough stuff.  It can take you to the very bottom of the pit.  And yet, I am grateful for God's power to remind me of all that I have.  He will do it for you too.

There was never less hope for me, I just didn't see it.   I have so much to be grateful for and there is no time to moan about having to make changes in my life.  I have too much to do!

Responsibility

I have been given more responsibility than a person should have in the past week.  So much has happened.  I became the Interim Executive Director at the Neuro-Developmental center where I have worked for the past ten years.  Yep.  The buck stops here.  Twenty plus people now look to me to provide direction and guidance as they offer hope and healing to our clients.  A HUGE responsibility.

In the same two-day span I learned that my father has colon cancer.  He is 81 years old and he is unable to drive himself the 2 hours from his home in Astoria to Portland where his treatment will occur.  I have entered the Sandwich Generation of adults who are caring for parents while still raising their own children.  My mom is in poor health and my one adult brother also has serious medical concerns.  Again, the buck stops here.

On the home front, plans have not worked out as expected for our foster daughter and her stay with us may be extended.  We love her dearly and don't wish for her to leave, but we did plan for our childcare needs around her departure in light of the new developments in our lives.  As much as we love providing a safe home for her, it adds to the weight of responsibility.  Always, in foster care, the buck stops here.

Toby and I met with our local Developmental Disability Services a few days ago to plan for Levi to transition back to our home in the next few months.  There is lot of work to do and arrangements to be made but we are hopeful that our family will once again be under the same roof.  We need to hire providers and arrange for his education and social needs.  Yes, the buck stops here.

I do not mean to complain.  I am grateful for new opportunities and being able to care for loved ones.  God has gifted me with a very special journey and I am grateful.  The greatest gift of all is my husband.  Toby took my dad to his appointment in Portland today so I could be at work and he will repeat the trip next week.  He has taken responsibility for getting the kids to appointments and making sure I have quiet time for myself.  He is a treasure and I could not do this crazy life without him.  Maybe that is God's plan.  Have I not appreciated him enough? I thought so, but here is an opportunity to see my best friend give his all to support me and to care for our family.

There is nothing better.  I am a little overwhelmed by my responsibilities but having Toby by my side makes it all seem possible.  Another step in the journey, with surprises every single day.  Thank you for listening, my friends.  One step at a time, and learning all the way.

The Next Generation

The next generation of the Harris family is about to become a reality. This week, the truth really hit home: We are going to become grandparents soon.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Until recently, I was not exactly sure how I felt about the next chapter of my journey, but now I know that I can hardly wait!

I went with Kirsten to her ultrasound appointment on Wednesday.  I thought I was going to support her, and hopefully I did.  As I watched the baby on the screen, though, I was so moved by the experience I forgot my role as supporter.  That was my grandchild.  Well, grandson, to be precise.  I was far more emotional viewing her ultrasound than I was when I was having my own.  And watching her obvious joy was priceless.  The love I felt for that unborn baby rivaled any I have felt before.  Now I know what people are talking about when they say, "Just wait".  Oh boy.  Will I ever be the same again? Somehow, I think not.

The best news is that I am not gaining one grandchild but two.  God must really love me to bless my family this way.  Kaeley's baby girl will arrive in October and we will welcome Kirsten's baby boy in December.  My heart is overflowing.  All of this AND being able to adopt Angie?  So much joy!

I have to be honest, though.  The past year has been tough.  We have been in a valley for many, many months.  I do not mean to paint our life as perfect because it is not.  We have experienced pain, grief, disappointment, confusion, tough decisions and hard days.  We have questioned God's plan and wondered what He means for us to do in many aspects of our lives.  And now, we can see the blessings ahead.  Life is that way, isn't it?  Just when you think it may be time to just resign yourself to misery, the sun comes out.  It is tempting to give up before you see it, but don't do it!

I hope this encourages you.  Don't give up.  Your valley is not the same as mine, but it is equally important and just as surmountable.   Often, the last key you try is the one that opens the door.

2,632 Days

Angie has been in our home for 2,632 days.  She recently said to me, out of the blue, as we drove home from a therapy appointment, "Mom, I am a foster child"  and a few days later, "I just want to be normal".  She broke my heart.  For 2,632 days we have wanted Angie to be a legal member of our family.  Prayed for it, ached for it, even almost begged for it.

Recently, we asked again.  I think DHS was just fed up with us by this time, because the answer was different.  This time, it was "maybe".   The reason Angie's case did not include a plan for her adoption is because of her significant medical and developmental needs.  The support we have received from the foster care system allowed us to get the therapies and medical care that Angie needs.  She has needed so much and her future is still uncertain, so we have understood the state's hesitation.  But, today, the "maybe" turned into a "yes".  YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Adoption from foster care is complicated, especially for a child like Angie.  I will not bore you with the details but there is something important you need to understand...........as ecstatic as we are about adopting Angie, we also recognize her family's loss.  We were given a gift today.  Angie's biological mother agreed to relinquish her parental rights so we can adopt Angie and become her forever family.  She didn't have to.  Chances are we still would have been able to adopt, but it would have been different because we would feel that we had taken something away from her other mother.  Instead, what we want most in the world was given to us.  I don't know about you, but I cannot imagine giving up my rights to a child I grew and delivered.  In my opinion, it is most selfless act imaginable and she will carry the weight of her decision always.  I have run out of words to describe my gratitude, but I hope she knows.

As for Angie, she will get what she has wanted most, and we didn't even know it.  Angie will have a forever family and she will grow up drenched in the love of two families.  She deserves this, and so much more.  

Pure Determination

Despite the fact that it is Summer, which means rest and relaxation, Angie is back in Occupational Therapy working hard every week.  She has always worked hard in therapy but this Angie is showing persistence and determination unlike anything I have seen before.  Her long-time therapist, Laura, agrees.  The girl is on fire!

Since starting therapy last month, Angie has mastered undressing independently.  This may seem like something to take for granted at age 7, but if you think so, try doing it with one hand and a shoulder with minimal mobility.  One day, Laura led Angie through the steps of taking her shirt off, and one week later, she was doing all of her undressing without help.  Angie is so stoic and brave about tackling new, challenging tasks.  She simply decides she will do it and then she does.  I admire her so much, it is hard to put into words.

Today, Laura brought out a pair of adapted scissors for Angie to try with her weak hand, affectionately named "Righty".  First, Angie struggled to get "Righty" onto the scissors but she kept trying and after having to replace her arm on the scissors many, many times, she was able to cut through the paper.  As I watched her, I knew what I would do in her place.  I would say, "This arm doesn't work" and I would get up and leave the table.  Wouldn't you?  In fact, as I watched I wanted to rescue her and tell Laura it was too hard.  But I sat.  And I knew she would overcome the obstacle, as she always does.

What happens to us as we get older that makes us forget our power? Why do we assume we will fail instead of doing as Angie does and assume we will succeed? Or is it her?  I think most kids have a certain resilience and strength that somehow recedes as they age.  But I also believe Angie has something special.  She does not see herself as weaker or less important than her peers.  She does not consider the reasons she might fail, only seeing how she can overcome.

Angie is a gift to me, and to our family.  She has given me hope and courage beyond what I had before I met her.  Every day, I am excited to see what she will teach me, what new skill she will learn.  And I watch her to try to absorb what I might do to embrace her can't-fail attitude.  I am not there yet, but tomorrow is another day.

Beach Trip

I have been AWOL from my blog for a while and I am glad to be back.  To be honest, like I promised I would be, I got a nasty Facebook comment about my last blog entry and I was pretty shell-shocked.  So, before I continue, I will urge you to quit reading if you don't want to hear about my family and/or my life.  That's what my blog is about.

We have been doing summer.  I have been on vacation from work for the past two weeks and have enjoyed a ton of family time.  We rented a house at the beach and we celebrated our dear friends' 30th anniversary as they renewed their wedding vows.

Kirk and Lora were some of our first friends when we moved to Clatskanie and we have one of those friendships that picks up where it left off regardless of how long it is between visits.  They live in Iowa now and we are able to visit every year or two.

Our kids love the beach and the boys scared me to death by climbing every large rock formation they could find:

We flew a kite, played on the beach, laughed, and rode the rides.  It was perfect.

We made precious memories together as a family.  As my children have grown older, and some have moved away, I have come to value these times above all else.  As Michael J. Fox says, "Family is not the most important thing, it is everything."

Change

How do you feel about change?  If you live in my family it happens on a daily basis and you never know what is coming next.  Some people thrive on this sort of existence.  I would not say that describes me but I realized something today.  Our family is always changing and that is not the norm.  Most people cannot imagine coming home and not knowing how many children you have, as Toby has quite often.

For most people, if you give birth to two children, your family has two children.  Not our family.  Our numbers and dynamics change regularly.  I mentioned that we have had our former Little Miss return to our home this week.  I am glad that we were able to provide a familiar environment for her, but she has experienced so much loss that this is not a "win" for us.  That is hard for Angie to understand because she is so happy to have her friend back.  And yet, we are grieving for our Little Miss.

Did I mention that I am going to be a grandma?  Actually twice in the next few months.  So bizarre, isn't it?  There is so much to consider.  I am praying constantly for my future grandchildren's health and safety and for their parents.  Another change for us.  And so much joy.

Toby and I are considering some other really positive changes for our family, too, but we are not ready to reveal them yet. I think that 2015 is going to become a banner year for the Harris family but we will have to see what comes of our plans.

Angie had a sleep study last night.  What an experience!  OHSU performs their sleep studies at the Marriott Residence Inn, which is a very comfortable hotel.  However, the experience of sleeping in a room with a camera in it all night was not comfortable and by the time it was over I am sure the technician suspected that I was the one needing a sleep study.  Angie was a trooper, though. She fell asleep 10 minutes after getting in bed and she woke up exactly 10 minutes before the end of the study.  How anyone can sleep with all of this on is a mystery to me:

We are anxious for the results so we can try to help our girl sleep better.  We can cross one more adventure off our list.  Angie is having another laser treatment on her face and arms on Monday, so she will be sporting her "polka dots" again.

Like I said, change is what we are about.  Keep posted, I am sure there is more to come.......

It happened today, as it has before. We were called and asked to take one of our former foster children in again.  She left our home 6 months ago after a 9 month stay in our home.  This is a pretty long stay for us so when I got the call I did not feel like I could refuse. If this child did not come back to our home, it would be detrimental to her development.

She came tonight and I cannot begin to describe the emotions and tenderness I felt for this child. She has experienced such loss. Even in the middle of the time in our home, she was returned to a parent and then back to us one month later for another 8 months.  She is so fragile.

So, here she is, this broken child.  You do all of the normal comfort measures, but is it enough?  Who knows? I guess you can feel inadequate or you can decide that you are doing the best you can.  I am not sure which I should embrace yet.  Will she survive yet another transition in her life? Can she overcome this setback?

It is too soon to tell.  For now, I have decided to love her as much as I can.  To pour my time and attention into her so she know that she matters!!!  It may or may not be enough, but it is what I have to give and I know my life, and hopefully hers, will be better for it.  The best is yet to come for this girl, I am sure of it.

Continuing on the Path

I feel bad that I have not been keeping my blog very current.  We have had a constant influx of temporary foster placements, one after another.  It has been a crazy few weeks of tantrums, learning new routines, trampoline jumping, and climbing.  Oh, yes, we had a spider monkey here for a while.  He climbed every surface in our home and did he ever keep us on our toes!!!

This has been an important week.  Angie has finished Kindergarten and is she ever ready for first grade!  I don't even know how to describe the gains she has made this year.  Her determination to keep up with her peers is inspiring.  Toby attended her Field Day on Tuesday and he had as much fun as she did.  And then there was the cotton candy........

Last day with her friends

Her much-loved "helper" Ms. Villines

Angie's good friend, Miss Heidi

Miss Heidi took Angie on her first ferry ride after school:

Angie is so loved and we are blessed to have many caring people who help her on a daily basis.  Her life is full and rich.  If you know her, you know that she does not dwell on what is difficult but chooses to embrace every single day as new and exciting.

Today, Angie had an appointment in the Cranio-Facial Clinic at Randall Children's Hospital.  She was seen by 11 professionals in one day.  Days like this remind me of the many challenges we still have ahead, which I barely consider most of the time.  It looks like Angie will require some major treatments in the future and I hate that her future cannot be free of worry after all she has already endured.  She was a trooper today and, as always, the professionals working with her were amazed by her gracious presence and her courage.

Angie will see her rehab doctor and have a sleep study next week and we hope to get additional answers.  We will continue on the journey that is her life and see what it brings.  It is such a privilege to be on this path with her and to see her touch lives everywhere she goes. 

Why Can't I Stop?

I posted a couple of months ago about our family retiring from doing foster care.  Well, that didn't happen.  I can't stop.  It sounds crazy, I know.  I also can't stop eating sour, chewy, Jolly Rancher candy.  They are delicious and satisfying in their own way.  I am faced with the fact, though, that there is an overwhelming need in our county and I cannot turn my back.  Almost every week, children are sent to foster homes outside of the county because there are no local foster homes available.  They are separated from siblings, relatives, teachers, and school friends.  When they move they lose everything.

I am not stopping the kids from being sent away.  We are only an emergency, short-term resource.  We keep the children in our home for a week or two until an appropriate placement is found.  But it is something.  I should not feel that I have to justify what I do, but somehow I do.  It is hard to understand, I know, but what a blessing these children have been to our family!  My emotions are all over the board on the topic of foster care.  Deep, deep sorrow for the children who have lost everything and have endured unimaginable pain.  Anger and also sadness for the parents who have lost their children.  Regret that I cannot do more.  And so many other emotions along the way.

This weekend, my heart is broken for the 18 month-old child in our home.  He is lost and afraid, difficult to soothe.  He resists engaging with us and he seems not to know what he needs, either.  To be honest, he has cried much of the weekend, despite our efforts to comfort him.  We don't always have what a child needs and that is hard too.  Each day, though, there have been tiny victories as we try to unlock the hidden joy inside this little boy.  Last night, he let me rock him and after a few minutes, a contented hum began to come from his body.  He was finally at peace for a few moments and soon he was asleep. Victory.

How long, I wonder, will this go on?  I don't know.  We recently learned that we will be grandparents later this year. Do grandparents do foster care?  I know they can, I am just not sure where it will fit for us.  Who am I kidding, though?  If I can't stop now, what makes me think I will feel any differently when my own family has expanded?  Grandparents.....that is a subject for another day.

Angie turned seven last week.  Seven!!!  Can you believe it?  I could not write about it at that the time because I truly was speechless.  I am not sure what is different about this birthday, but it really made me think.......

I used to think that Angie cheated death when she overcame her life-threatening seizures.  In fact I counted on it.  I now realize that I was wrong.  So wrong.  If God had intended death for Angie back then, it would have happened.  God does not make mistakes.  He intended all along for Angie to remain on this Earth to teach us what really matters.  Her job is so important.  Her life is a gift to us all.

She is doing an amazing job, don't you think?  Really, it is easy to provide pat explanations, but if you know Angie, you know that this is true of her.  She makes Toby and I laugh every single day.  We never have to worry about taking ourselves too seriously.  She calls me "sweetheart" and she never meets a person without introducing herself and saying, "nice to meet you".  She faces every challenge with a smile and she never complains about the activities she cannot participate in.  She is willing to try anything.  How many of us can say that?

My life is better for having this precious girl in it.  Her future remains unknown and we never forget that insidious Sturge-Weber syndrome has taken for too many precious angels too soon.  Today, I am grateful for the seven years and the gift of a new perspective on life.  God is in charge of this journey and I am excited to see where it leads us next.

I want to leave you with a couple of more pictures from Angie's bowling party yesterday.  She absolutely loved it!

Journey on!!